Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Impact Implosion for 11/30 - The Fourth Impact After BFG 2017

It's another episode of Impact, but this show was actually good. There wasnt a single segment that was really bad and pissed me off, but unfortunately...there was nothing to truly put this episode over the top good so ultimately I gave this show a B. We had an okay triple threat match that was a semifinal in the vacant Knockouts Title tournament (and of course something happens in the middle of our radio show that really made me laugh). We have more American Top Team stuff setting up next week's tag match between Storm & Moose against Franklin & Dan Lambert. We had a pretty fun retro Park, Park, & Park commercial. We had a Defy match that was edited and really showing the shooting of this match was bad. And we had some good X-Division action including a match of the night between Matt Sydal and Tyson Dux. We also skim through last week's Impact as well, which was easy as last week was just a bunch of old matches finished with one new match. 

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Friday, December 1, 2017

Thursday Night AMP's Annual Golden Turducken Award for 2017

It is that time of year where several members of the Angry Marks community including myself debate what are the worst parts in wrestling of 2017 and yes, we come up with plenty of choices, including one that deals with today's society. Let's just say 2017 has not been a good year for wrestling. While there were some issues with this show thanks to Skype, we ultimately were able to complete the show. 

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Saturday, November 25, 2017

Monster Crap Inductee: Gamera vs. Viras (1968)

Monster Crap Inductee: Gamera vs. Viras
Turtle Meat vs. Calamari…Whose Hungry?

1968

We once again continue on with the Showa Era of Gamera and I once again have to say this. This series got better in the Hensei Era. In fact, ever since Daiei went bankrupt and a foolish Godzilla’s Revenge version of Gamera in 1980, there hasn’t been a bad Gamera movie. We had three Hensei Gamera movies and then Gamera the Brave actually made Gamera as “friend to all children” make all the sense in the world. So think of all these Showa Era Gamera movies as a completely misguided attempt to rip off Godzilla, but be more kid-friendly about it.

Now we can get into what is essentially the 4th of 7 Showa Era Gamera movies and we did the last one first. Essentially Gamera vs. Viras is the midway point. There really isn’t much info on the making of these Gamera films other than when this was distributed to America, they called it Destroy All Planets…probably in an attempt to get suckers who believed they were watching the Toho ultimate monster battle that was Destroy All Monsters. Also several past people from Gamera films are in this since in Japan at the time, you were more contracted to a studio than to a single film……which I believe went on in the United States at the same time as well. But unlike the previous Gamera films we have inducted, this one was surprisingly not done by Mystery Science Theater 3000. So let’s get ready to have no help from Joel and the bots as we induct Gamera vs. Viras.

We begin in space with the introduction of a UFO that looks like a bunch of bees huddled together to make it.

We’re So Gonna Sting You At Some Point.

We then go inside the bee saucer and a voice tells the crew of this space craft that they have found the planet Earth. Basically they are going to invade it because it is similar to our planet. They basically want to colonize our planet with their species. Unfortunately for them, Gamera is here to protect us.


They try to attack Gamera, but their lasers do nothing to Gamera. But they have a plan and that is to extinguish Gamera’s jets.


This plan kind of works as Gamera lost two of his jets backs off. Unfortunately, Gamera just needs two jets for his legs and he goes back to attack the saucer. Gamera gets on top of the saucer and messes it up with his head.

Here’s Gammy!

And then Gamera decides to shoot flames into the ship.

How About A Little Fire, Aliens!

The saucer goes to emergency plans and jettisons the compartment that Gamera has messed up.

Mom, Gamera Got His Head Stuck In A Beehive Again.

Gamera leaves the compartment and still chases the spacecraft as that compartment blows up.

Apparently, That Was The Compartment Where They Stored Their Fireworks. Now How Will They Celebrate If They Conquer Earth?

The aliens decide to run away and go back to their star called Viras. Yep…that same idea of the monster from a planet with the same name was also used in Gamera vs. Zigra. But as they leave, they say to dispatch another spaceship as of course they are going to try again, this movie isn’t going to be that freaking short. Unfortunately this ship blows up as we get the opening title sequence as they also want to say what the monster that just beat them is called.


And then we here the Gamera theme. Actually, this was actually the first film where Gamera had that theme song we all know well. Many sites may say Gamera vs. Guiron (which is the next entry), but it is actually in this film first. They also gave special thanks in the credits to the Boy Scouts of Japan for permission to use their group as our main characters in this film will be revealed to be Boy Scouts and their Scoutmaster.

We then go to Earth at an obvious beach in Japan as a car comes up to a camp which is where the Boy Scouts of Japan are camped out in. The car door opens and out comes Scout Master Mr. Shimida

Hey, It’s The Lead Actor From The Last Two Gamera Films.

This would actually be Kojiro Hongo’s last appearance in a Gamera film so savor his acting for now because he will be gone after this film. Anyway, he is in the car with a scientist named Dr. Dobie (seriously, that is his name) and the two agree that since the scouts did a great job building the camp, they are allowed to visit the scientist’s lab for free. They have the kids for roll call and while they are doing this, we have our two lead annoying kids in Masao and Jim.

This Would Also Be The First Film That Had Americans Be Part Of The Main Cast. And Also The American Kid Speaks Japanese.

These two kids are troublemakers who snuck into the lab and see a small submersible being checked out.


After the workers leave, these two kids have the bright idea of checking the submersible out for themselves. I’m so going to enjoy following these two nitwits around through a majority of this movie (that was sarcasm, just so you know). The kids decide to be pranksters and mess with the wires where they will make the machine go backwards when it is supposed to go forwards and forwards when it is supposed to go backwards.

Back at the beach, Shimada says those two kids are always getting themselves into trouble. One of the women working with the Boy Scouts is Masao’s sister and she has a special compass that can pinpoint where her dumbass of a brother is.


The compass also works as a walkee talkee so the sister calls up Masao to wonder what the hell he is doing. Shimada tells the two kids through the device that since they are late for roll call, he is cutting their dinner rations by half. As they try to run back, the wind blows Masao’s hat away and it is stuck on top of a pole.

I’m The Scout Now!!!

Jim is able to use a lasso and rope the hat back to Masao. So they run back to the beach and Shimada announces that they are going to the lab today courtesy of Dr. Dobie and the kids will be allowed to ride in the submarine…you know, the submersible that those two shit weasels fucked around with.

We May Have Made A Big Mistake

Dr. Dobie explains that the submarine is so easy to control that a child is able to do it, but for a demonstration, Dobie and Shimada will go first. The two kids talk about this being bad, but are too stupid to warn anyone of the impending danger that is coming from their tampering.

Can You Seriously Find Two Other Kids To Be Our Leads? I Would Rather Prefer Them To These Two Miscreants.

So the doctor and the scout master go for a drive in the underwater vehicle and what do you know, they are having trouble with the controls and don’t know what is going on. Unfortunately for them, they crash. Of course somehow they are pulled up and are none too happy. And our assholes just laugh.

Hahahahaha…It’s Funny Because We Almost Got Them Killed.

Unfortunately, this hiccup has caused the postponement for the kids to ride the submarine. Masao decides to be a prick and say that Dr. Dobie just can’t operate it well and they bet that they can. Masao’s sister says that Masao is good at tinkering with machines and he can obviously fix it as he is basically the one who made that little compass phone she has. So Dr. Dobie allows the two into the submarine and sends them into the sea.

Hopefully, They Won’t Make It Back

So the two make the submarine work as they were the dipshits who know how their tricks works. They reveal that they will be underwater for 10 minutes. Dr. Dobie says that it is a miracle they got the machine working. And at this very moment, the new spacecraft comes back to Earth.

We’re Back!!! But This Time, Not For A Dinosaur Story

The aliens from Viras plan this time is to eliminate Gamera first and then conquer Earth so they need to find him. And of course Gamera is swimming around at the exact spot the kids are at.


Jim is apprehensive at first, but Masao says that Gamera is friend to all children and will even allow Jim to take a picture of him, which Jim does. He actually takes several pictures with the two kids speeding up so he can take pictures of Gamera from the front and slowing down so he can take pictures from Gamera’s side. The Scout Master through the compass says if they are making up this whole Gamera thing, they will get no dinner, which Masao says is not a ruse. Then the kids decide that they want to drive under Gamera and why is this important, well…they get caught in the trap beam set forth by the aliens of Viras.


This is a problem for the kids who may die due to a lack of oxygen (eventually), they also can’t call anyone for help as the bubble they are in now disrupts all means of communication. Gamera tries to get out, but the edge of the trap is electrified so he is trapped, but he does have enough power to lift it up for a bit so the kids can get out.

Gee, Thanks Gamera (Sarcasm).

Since the aliens then reveal that the beam will only hold him for another 15 minutes, so they try to use that time to explore Gamera’s past and if you are wondering why they are doing that, it is an excuse for the filmmakers to use old Gamera stock footage. This is something they would do for every Gamera film in the Showa Era hereafter. Now you might be wondering how long we have to watch this old footage. It goes on for 10 minutes in an 81 minute movie. Jeez…you could see that years later, Daiei would have to file for bankruptcy. Oh it gets even better, because of all that time, the trap wore off.


The kids are now back on land and actually have to convince Shimada that Gamera saved them and that’s why they took so long. Oh and the pictures they supposedly had, got screwed up by the darkness as the camera didn’t have a damn flash. It seems they are in for no dinner when the alien spacecraft shows up.

We, The Delegation Of Viras, Can Confirm These Kids’ Story.

While everyone is wondering what it is (it’s a UFO, idiots), Gamera also comes out of the sea.

I, The Friend To All Children Known As Gamera, Can Also Confirm These Kids’ Story

They all waitch as Gamera and the spacecraft from Viras fight. And the kids decide to say hi to Gamera, but their actions get them trapped in another laser trap.

Can You See At This Point That Other Than The Girl Who Wants A Damn Coke, I Would Find These The Most Annoying Kids In All The Gamera Films.

And of course, this causes the aliens to have hostages. Hostages that they take on the damn ship and tell Gamera that if he attacks the spaceship, they will kill the kids. So Gamera backs away and the evil aliens say that Gamera must obey their orders. Meanwhile, Shimada says to Masao’s sister that he will find a way to rescue the two boys.

The two kids wake up inside the spaceship and see another human.

For Some Reason…..The Lighting Really Focuses On Their Eyes.

The two kids think this is a captive like them and try to reason that they can escape together. But the guy says nothing and just leaves. They see that in the tunnels the human can go M. Bison and try themselves.

I Would Reason To Believe That Guy Is One Of The Aliens And Not An Earthling Like You.

But of course the kids think it doesn’t work for kids.

Really?

The way they came is no longer there and they just think it is an automatic door. Then the guy they saw is with other guys and they are planning the attack on Gamera. The bad guys then shoot a little bee object in the back of Gamera’s neck which is a mind control device.


Now the bad guys are able to control Gamera and they order Gamera to fly with them, which the turtle does.


The kids meanwhile decide that they so need to sabotage this brain controlling scheme. They run past the aliens, but only after they are gone that the aliens realize that the kids heard their plan and snuck by them. The kids are thirsty and really think they need juice, which a machine in the next room gives them.


And if you are thinking the juice is drugged in any way, it isn’t. They then ask for sandwiches and get sandwiches.

The Sandwiches Also Aren’t Drugged.

Masao theorizes that the ship works on telepathy. Jim wants a parachute to get out of here and Masao wants weapons to fight the aliens, but unfortunately that machine sounds an alarm. They are then confronted by the aliens who still look like humans.

Although This Time They Made Their Eyes Really Different

The aliens then reveal that the telepathy machine has a safety device so shit like getting weapons to kill them or a parachute to escape won’t work. The aliens then say that the kids are very valuable in their control of Gamera and since they really aren’t that much of a threat, they have freedom to roam around the ship as long as they don’t try to harm them or escape. The kids then try to ask if they are Japanese or aliens, the men just walk away without answering the question.

Yeah, That Question Isn’t Really Worth An Answer If These Kids Haven’t Figured It Out By Now

The kids then realize that they are aliens that look Japanese.

You Don’t Say…

They ask for an apple from the machine thinking they will get a knife to peel it, but the machine easily sees through that.

Nice Try, But I Wasn’t Born Yesterday

The kids hide as one of the aliens gets something out of the machine and they follow him. The object is laid on the floor and flies up to somewhere unknown. The kids enter the room and wonder why they would put whatever they got in here if nothing is in here, then they see what is in here.


After seeing this beast, they think it is a prisoner of the aliens so they decide to try and release it. They hear the aliens from earlier so they hide. Oh, but these kids still have the lasso from earlier meaning the aliens didn’t think to disarm the kids before kidnapping them. They lasso the one alien’s hand and try to pull while even the alien is confused as to what they are doing. Of course these aliens have a neat trick to get rid of their arm.


The arm pins the kids to the wall and then goes back to the alien. Because of this action, the kids are no longer allowed to move freely and are stuck to the wall.


The alien laughs as he joins the others. They then command Gamera to destroy a nearby dam.


If you are a Gamera follower and wondering why this looks so familiar. And if you are not, you should because this is stock footage from Gamera vs. Barugon where Gamera did the exact same thing.

Gamera Doesn’t Even Have The Mind Control Device On His Neck

The aliens then tell Gamera to destroy Tokyo. Oh and you remember earlier when they couldn’t get a call out to the sister because that damn beam was disrupting the means of communication?

Well, It Works On The Spaceship

They explain the situation with Gamera and the sister recommends they use the same nerve they used in their brain to pull pranks to get out of trap they are in. They think that unknown thing from earlier is space food for the squid thing they found as Gamera destroys Tokyo. Now if they were truly lazy, they would use stock footage from a black and white film that is the original Gamera film and pass it off as new footage in this color film.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me???!!! I Was Only Joking!!!!!

They are using black and white stock footage from the original Gamera film to pass as current footage of Gamera destroying Tokyo. That is a new low in laziness even for Japan. And with the colorful ship looking on, you can REALLY tell this was half-assed.

The aliens then make their demands for conquest as the kids use the rope to plan an escape. The military seem to think the only two options they have are to surrender or let the two kids die (I’m okay with the second one). Meanwhile, the kids use the rope to wiggle their way out of the restraints.

It Was That Easy

The kids use the compass wrist watch to tell everyone that they are free. The two kids then decide that they will sacrifice themselves for the Earth so they can attack the ship (Yes….Kill them!!!!). The parents (who are also now here) are devastated by their acceptance. Then the UN calls and says they have decided to surrender the Earth.

What????

The kids then get told that the UN has planned to surrender and even the kids think that is bullshit. Shimada then reveals that he checked the sub and saw that the kids had sabotaged it so he wants them to try and do the same thing to the spaceship. And yes, in case you ask, this ship also has battery coils so they can do the same thing they did for the sub.

Of Course It Does.

The aliens talk about the Earth surrendering and saying that was only the first phase of their mission (Really, just the first, guys?). Of course Phase 2 is that they attack the Earth now (Wait…they already were doing that before. You didn’t need Earth’s permission then.). They call themselves Virases and say that are the greatest species in the universe which makes all other species useless. So Gamera (still in black and white from the first movie) is told to annihilate the Earthlings. And the kids respond in silence with "Shit!!!". 

Language, Kids!!!!!

They then tell the Virases that the monster is on the loose.

Monster’s On The Loose??!!! Crap, Let’s Ignore How You Got Here To Deal With This Monster!!!

So as the Virases (I hate this name especially with my Spell Check looking at me like a damn idiot), the kids look at the control panel and switch two triangles.

I Didn’t See Those There Before.

So the Virases go to the monster (that is still caged up) and realize that the kids were lying. Meanwhile the kids are messing around with the controls to the laser trap or as they have called it, The Super Catcher Ray. They then demand that it gets fired at them (which it does) and they get sent back down to Earth.

So the Virases see that the kids have somehow escaped and instead of figuring out how, they decide that they will get Gamera to kill the kids. They first order Gamera to touch down (which if the kids control worked, Gamera would go against that order and stay in the air). Gamera is then ordered to kill the kids and that is when the reverse controls prank works as Gamera attacks the ship instead.

Hi, It’s Me Again.

The Virases are not happy with this and even wonder what Gamera is doing as Gamera sets fire to the ship. So the bad guys run and decide to go with their final plan, and wait until you get a load of this ass pull. You remember that caged beast from earlier?

He’s Their Boss

So why did they need to go and check to see if he was still caged? I mean, here’s how it should have gone.

Masao: Hey, that monster you got caged in there is on the loose.
Jimmy: Yeah, we could be in real danger.
*Virases laugh*
Viras #1: Silly kids, he’s our boss
Viras #2: Yeah, why in the hell would we have a rampaging monster in our ship? That would be extremely stupid.
Viras #3: Yeah, the Virases are too smart to do something like that. You really are a useless species.
Viras #4: Speaking of which, I remember last having you restrained on the wall. How did you escape the restraints?
Masao & Jimmy: Shit
All of the Virases: LANGUAGE!!!!!

While Gamera is destroying the ship, the mind controlling device on Gamera just dies.


So the boss says that their last resort involves them all dying and he goes “off with their heads” on them.


Little versions of the boss come out and Masao explains that this must mean that the aliens caught other humans and used their bodies as disguises. Then the Virases combine with their boss to make one giant Viras.

That’s A Really Bad Growing Scene

So now we get to the final battle between Gamera and Viras, which sadly we only have 10 minutes of the movie left. So Viras throws pieces of the spaceship at Gamera, which Gamera breathes fire on. Once Viras runs out of ship pieces to throw, then we get an actual fight as Viras tries to drown Gamera.

Oh Yeah, Viras Can Swim

Unfortunately, Viras forgot that Gamera was in the water during their first attempt to capture Gamera and Gamera throws his opponent out of the water. Viras then tries to impale Gamera with its top, but Gamera ducks.



Viras is now stuck on the ground and Gamera slams Viras like the Hulk would slam Loki.

Puny Viras

Viras uses its tentacles to trip Gamera and this would normally be a problem as turtles can’t get up while on their back. Viras then throws Gamera around. Then Gamera got up and as Viras was about to use his impale attack again, Gamera…

Go On, Say It!!!!

Gamera threw a rock.

It Was A Big Rock

The gravity of this rock causes Viras to fall upside down while still stuck on the rock.

Viras Is The New Charlie Brown

Gamera throws Viras back in the water and dives after him. Gamera breaks the rock off Viras and...

Gamera Rides Viras Like A Damn Jet Ski

Viras gets in the dirt and Gamera falls off. Then Viras jumps up out of the water and stabs Gamera.

Surely Gamera Must Be Dead Now!!!!

Nope, it was…

Merely A Flesh Wound

Gamera uses his jets and flies Viras in the air.

This Is So Stupid

And unfortunately for Viras, it needed the spaceship as it freezes in outer space as Gamera is fine.


Gamera then drops Viras and Viras dies and falls in the ocean. The kids are happy as Shimada calls for them. Everyone is also there to be glad to see the kids alive. But they still get no dinner tonight for their earlier pranks.

Yeah, I Could See Why Gamera Vs. Viras Was Kojiro Hongo’s Last Big Role In A Gamera Film. His Character Does Nothing In This Film And This Was A Bad Movie.

So Gamera leaves as the kids say thank you and thankfully, this disaster is over.

So a little bit of the aftermath since I do not have any info to tell me how this film did when it was released, let’s talk about some of the people involved. Kojiro Hongo would no longer be in Showa Gamera movies, but he would make an appearance in the first Hensei film Gamera: Guardian of the Universe. That would be his final appearance in a Gamera film and he would retire from acting in 2001 and sadly pass away from heart failure in 2013 at the age of 74. Noriaki Yuasa (a child actor who later became a director) would direct a few more Gamera films with sadly Gamera; Super Monster being his last. He would pass away in 2004 to a stroke at the age of 71.

But there two actors who led different and interesting lives that have not passed away. Mari Atsumi (who played the other older girl alongside Masao’s sister) would become a sex idol in Japan and then would virtually disappear in 1975. The other is Carl Craig (who played Jim) as while this would be his only acting role as acting wasn’t for him, he would become what he actually wanted to be and that was an Air Force pilot. He would later become a US Customs agent and then advisor for then President George H.W. Bush.

So now my final thoughts on this film and I can’t sugar coat it, this is worst Gamera induction I have had to do. This movie was so cheaply made (with the stock footage (even using black and white footage in a colored film to save money)) and I would find many things in this film pulled out of its own ass. Also, the two lead characters were made into annoying little imps who could have nearly gotten people killed and yet we are supposed to relate to them in some way. The monster action was so miniscule that you really wonder what the point was. And sadly, this plot would be mostly reused for Gamera vs. Zigra.

So we have one final induction and…

Hey, Jerkwad.

Oh fancy meeting you at a time like this. Now before you give me my final induction of the year, I have something to tell you.

What?

Remember when you had that plan to make me review Thankskilling 3 if I didn’t get donated Blood Freak before next year’s October.

Yeah? So what?

Well, a bit after you said that, this came in the mail (on Halloween oddly enough). 


So yeah, you can suck it on that idea of making me induct Thankskilling 3 on November.

Congrats on that. But with the Fantasy Football bet that I may still win

You’re tied for last place.

Porno Pete was last place and yet he won his league’s title so that doesn’t fucking matter!!!!!

Still a bit miffed about that.

Just a tiny bit although you had to review the movies he sent you. Anyway, I guess I have to go this month to tick you off and since it is December, I have the perfect sequel to piss you off.

Oh dear god, not Seed’s Revenge.

What??? No!!!! Next month is December!!! I wouldn’t ruin anyone’s holiday with that. I’m actually hurt that you would actually think on the holidays, I would make you watch Part 2 of an Uwe Boll film that barely anyone has heard of, even if you suffered through it.

Phew…

But thanks for reminding me of that for if I win on Fantasy Football.

*Gulp*

Anyway, next month is December and since I can’t make you review a sequel that you have gotten many requests on next November, I’ll make you review a sequel that you have gotten many requests to induct this December and that is…

Aw Crap….