Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Gamera (1965)

Monster Crap Inductee: Gamera
Damn You Kenny


Almost everytime when it is cold, I dream of being in a vacation in sunny old Key West.

Seriously, there is alot to do, the weather is not as hot as most of the southern areas, the sea is beautiful, and if you are near the sea, you can see a really great sunset. And speaking of near the sea….we are going to be inducting an animal monster who lives in the sea. He was also inducted here once vs. another sea monster. His name is Gamera and in fact this was his first movie.

Now, now before I decide to crap on this movie, I just want to say that this was very close on whether to be inducted or not because truth be told, it almost was pretty good. But there is one person who put this movie in my crap list. His name is Kenny. He is your average young boy that seems to be in almost every bad Japanese Monster Movie ever. Now let’s summarize this movie immediately.

Now as we begin this movie, I’m sure you are asking yourself why the credits are in color yet the movie is in black and white. The answer would be this was the last monster movie to be made before color came to play and by the time we were introduced to color, they had already made a whole black and white movie. Because of that, the credits were done in color. We start with three planes flying overhead for some unknown reason. After that, we move to the iced parts of the Artic where we see a truck driving to a nice settlement of Eskimos.

Two scientists and a reporter greet the local Eskimos and talk with their leader, who sounds like the guy from Hogan’s Heroes.

I Know Nothing!!!

Yes, you indeed know nothing. The small conversation is interrupted when little Eskimo children notice some unknown planes. It is in fact the planes we saw from the beginning of the movie. The old man freaks out and thinks they are the devil birds, but someone tells him that they are just planes. We get another scene change and this time we go to a ship that is breaking ice. The ship is part of the means of transportation of the two scientists and the one reporter and this ship has a crew of its own. The ship’s crew also sees the unknown planes and notifies their base of it. The base is filled with a bunch of Americans and their commander looks kind of like Curly Joe of the Three Stooges.

The commander tells his planes that just so happen to be in the area that there are some planes of unknown origin and to either escort it back to the base or if they resist, shoot them down. The US planes chase the unknown planes and since the unknown planes are trying to resist capture, the US planes fire. One of the unknown planes is shot down and it causes an atomic explosion, meaning they had atomic weapons on board. And of course atomic weapons means only one thing, a monster will appear.

And right on cue, the ice breaks open and out comes Gamera.

And might I add that Gamera makes his entrance almost like Goldberg. The two scientists and the reporter are about to leave for the ship when they are given a strange rock from the Eskimo chief. I call it a strange rock because it looks like a medium rare pork chop. They ask if this is of the legendary turtle that lived on the artic continent to which the chief confirms his suspicions. He calls the legendary giant turtle Gamera. When he says the word Gamera, all of the Eskimo children hide in their igloos. When asked where he got it, the old man says he doesn’t know (Alzheimer’s anyone?) but he knows that the stone brings evil. Now if that stone really brought evil, why in God’s name would you be holding it?

Meanwhile back on the ship, the crew sees the giant monster and wonders what it is. However, when they try to guess what it is, Gamera appears and destroys the ship, killing all of the crew.

The base sends planes out to find either the ship or Gamera and of course, they can’t find either. Before I continue, if anyone wishes to ask where the unknown planes came from, well… would be one of many because this film never even mentions where they are from.

We go back to New York for some reason and get a news report on a giant turtle attack. And this reporter has the two scientists that were in the Artic. Their names are Dr. Hidaka and Catherine, who we find out, is Dr. Hidaka’s daughter. Dr. Hidaka mentions the giant turtle as Gamera and says that he has awakened due to an explosion. He believes that Gamera is very dangerous and should be stopped at all costs. He does believe that due to the mass amounts of radiation on Gamera, that Gamera should die very shortly.

We then get the normal showing of newspaper headlines. We then see an old drunken farmer walking down a road when he sees what he thinks is a UFO. We cut to a radio show that is announcing several sightings of a flying saucer. After that, we go to an airplane where Dr. Hidaka and Catherine. Also, the reporter is there as well and we find out that his name is Alex. Alex reveals that he didn’t take the assignment for the story at all, but he took the assignment so he could be close to Catherine, with whom he is very smitten with.

Meanwhile, on a beach somewhere in Japan, a woman named Nora meets with a teacher who talks about her step-son Kenny. It seems Kenny has a strange fascination with turtles as he draws them all the time and he even has a pet turtle that he brings everywhere. The other students find him very strange so the teacher asks that Kenny not be allowed to bring the turtle to school anymore. At the dinner table, Nora and Kenny’s father have a conversation about Kenny’s turtle fixation. Kenny’s father tells Kenny that he must give up the turtle and Kenny is not happy with this demand. What a brat!!

Outside, Kenny says goodbye to his turtle, who he calls Tibby. While this is all happening, Gamera comes out of the water. Kenny is lying down, not realizing anything while Gamera seems to be playing Peek-a-boo. Kenny finally sees Gamera and makes a run for it. He runs to Nora and tries to show her Gamera, but Gamera is gone so she sees nothing and thinks Kenny is seeing things. But he isn’t and soon an earthquakes starts as Gamera re-appears. Nora, along with Kenny’s father now try to make a run for it. However, they find out that Kenny is not with him, but instead is going to the lighthouse to get a better look. Kenny is face to face with the giant turtle as Gamera destroys the lighthouse. Kenny falls, but is saved by Gamera who places him safely on the ground.

While the parents are caring for Kenny, Gamera makes one yell and leaves the scene. Kenny wakes up and thus begins a strange relationship that Kenny has with Gamera.

Now at the airport, Dr. Hidaka receives a phone call that Gamera has appeared and is very much alive. Back at the house, Kenny sneaks out to find the place where he left Tibby. He talks to Tibby, telling the turtle that he will be back tomorrow. Meanwhile in another plane, Dr. Hidaka and Catherine are ready to head off to the university. Alex surprises them and reveals that he snuck on this plane to be near Catherine. You know, while this might have been okay back then, this is not okay now as Alex would be a stalker if he did this. Seriously, Alex is just asking to have a restraining order placed on him.

At a military base, Dr. Hidaka, Catherine, and Alex arrive and are greeted by Japanese army officials. The commanding officer tries kicking Alex out because he is a reporter, but Hidaka tells the officer to let him stay. They reveal that Gamera is heading towards a power plant near a volcano. While they are discussing more information, I’m just hoping that volcano isn’t active.

But basically, I missed the part where they decide to electrocute Gamera and we all know how effective electrocution has been towards a monster. I mean, just ask Godzilla or any other giant monster. All it does is pisses them off. Well, as always, the plan of electrocution fails as Gamera tomahawk chops the electric wires.

Well, because the wires don’t work on Gamera, they decide to start firing at the monster and like all Japanese monster movies……that plan sucks as well. Gamera destroys the power plant as they are doing all of this, might I add. One more thing, Gamera seems to be walking funny. In fact, Gamera’s walking kind of reminds me of an old wrestling tag team.

As they are watching this mayhem, Dr. Hidaka decides that he needs to speak with a certain colleague about what to do next. That colleague is Professor Murase.

They are making some conversation on how to defeat Gamera, but all I am thinking about is whether to order some chicken or not. Meanwhile back at the destroyed power plant, planes are flying overhead as Gamera seems to be flexing his muscles.

While watching this, one of the army guys believes that they should call UN headquarters and see if they can help. Now while this was probably a good idea back then, if you called the current UN, they would probably sit on their fat asses and do nothing.

As the battle between the Japanese army and Gamera continues, we see that annoying brat Kenny rooting for Gamera. As Prof. Murase and Dr. Hidaka appear to see their supposed plan come together, Kenny comes in and tries to have them save Gamera. Jesus Christ, someone please kill Kenny already.

After much conversation, Prof. Murase and Dr. Hidaka decide that firing missiles at Gamera is pointless. Back at the army base, the general is told that there is nothing left of the power plant. Dr. Hidaka thinks up an idea to freeze Gamera because since fire rejuvenates Gamera, the opposite should stop him. The general reveals that they have a secret freezing bomb under military secret that they could use. They all agree to use the bomb on Gamera. However, they then find out that there is one downside and that is the bomb only works for ten minutes.

Outside, we see a plane going towards Gamera, who is still doing that funny familiar walk. We then see Gamera climbing up a mountain and for the first and only time in this movie, Gamera is actually crawling like a turtle. At the base, Dr. Hidaka is lecturing the troops about the current plan to capture Gamera. The freeze bombs hit Gamera and he freezes up. Now is time for the plan to capture Gamera.

Oh, and before I continue, when I say Gamera is frozen, I mean his lower body is frozen as his upper body is still moving around. Meanwhile, they are setting up charges to supposedly blow him up. And while Gamera is thawing out as they are ready to blast. They set the dynamite off and Gamera falls on his back. They pretty much think it’s all over as Dr. Hidaka says that turtles can’t get off of their backs. Unfortunately Gamera has one trick left up his sleeve as he goes into his shell and fire starts shooting out of his shell. He then begins spinning like some rims on a car.

After spinning around, Gamera begins to fly like the flying saucer that had appeared earlier in front of the old drunk guy. In fact, it is revealed that Gamera was that flying saucer. They then find out that the stone that looks like steak was basically trying to tell them that Gamera was a flying creature. We then get the newspaper jumble scene once again.

We move back to the street where Kenny almost gets hit by a car. If only that car would have done the deed, we would never have to hear the annoying attitude of that brat ever again. But it is not to be as Kenny merely drops his back which was filled with rocks. When asked by Nora why he has those rocks, he explains that it is Gamera’s new house. Okay….Kenny, I’m not sure about your understanding of measurement, but Gamera is not going to be able to fit in your back pack nor are those rocks able to make a satisfying home for a giant monster.

Meanwhile, at an office building, Dr. Hidaka and Catherine are met by Kenny and Nora. Catherine tries showing him around, like the Tokyo Tower. However, all Kenny is interested in is Gamera. It is at this point that Kenny says that Gamera is friend to all children. Yep, and now we know where the idea of making Gamera a good guy came in. Damn you Kenny. After making a prolonged speech about his love for Gamera, I basically am getting the urge to strange this kid. Outside, Nora greets a construction worker and their conversation ends quickly when Kenny is chasing after the construction worker’s son, who stole some of his stones. After being told to give them back, the son reveals that he threw the stones off the bridge and into the river. This makes Kenny sad as he runs away. While Kenny is away, that kid states that he is crazy, crying over a bunch of stones. Back in his room, Nora is trying to help Kenny get better as Kenny is lying in his bed.

Meanwhile, it has been revealed that a series of strange events have been happening all over the world. All of these events are being blamed on one being….

Reed Richards???

No, not Reed Richards. They are blaming all of this on Gamera. In a meeting, the blame is officially being placed on Gamera. They give their reasons for this and basically admit that there may be more catastrophes coming. They then decide to execute a “plan Z” in response to Gamera. Meanwhile, back in the city, Gamera attacks once again. Gamera makes his arrival by crashing into a building. He basically gets up as if saying he meant to do that. At a dance club, young teens are dancing as the cops tell them they need to evacuate the building. The teens respond by rejecting them and saying that Gamera doesn’t scare them. They would regret those words as Gamera destroys the place and kills all of the rebellious teens in attendance. Gamera goes to town and in once scene Gamera destroys the new Toho Theater. Why is this important? Well, Gamera was done by Daiei Productions, who was a rival of Toho Productions (the people responsible for Godzilla). This was basically a way for Daiei to take a shot at Toho. It was a shot that Toho didn’t really recognize as anything more than a midget trying to hit a giant. It is basically the same approach WWE uses when TNA is trying to take potshots at them. Gamera then destroys Tokyo Tower as Dr. Hidaka and Prof. Murase watch on. We then see a room where Nora is getting ready to evacuate while Kenny looks on, Kenny basically makes a plea for Gamera to stop being bad. But of course his plea is met with deaf ears.
We then see shots of the devastation caused by Gamera which almost looks like it was ripped off of the movie Godzilla, King of the Monsters. We move to Nora, who is searching for Kenny. Back at the meeting room, Prof. Murase and Dr. Hidaka, as well as UN officials make the final agreement to use “Plan Z”.

As the first part of the plan, they decide to make a trail of fire in which to lure Gamera away from the city and onto a private island. Kenny sneaks aboard a train and has to be pulled off it before it explodes. Everyone is then forced to leave, including reporters. This doesn’t make Alex happy who wishes to stay. However, Kenny once again sneaks on board so he can get close to Gamera. Professor Murase is informed on base that Kenny has disappeared once again. The worries end as Kenny is caught and taken back to base, all while Kenny is trying to resist. He is taken to another part of the island where Dr. Hidaka and Catherine are at. Gamera is finally led to the island where the army is waiting to fire at him. A typhoon seems to coming which might ruin their plans, but they are able to get Gamera into their trap. The trap involves a steel ball on top of a rocket as the rocket is sent to Mars. Despite Gamera being defeated, Kenny seems happy that Gamera was not killed and even proclaims that he will be an astronaut one day so he can go to Mars and see Gamera as the movie ends.

There are several interesting tidbits about this movie. When it was originally released in the US, it was called “Gammera” instead of “Gamera”. This basically tells you that someone doesn’t know how to spell.

Another tidbit is that a monster turtle was not the original idea for this movie. In fact, Daiei wanted to do a movie about giant rats ravaging Tokyo. They even had scenes where they were using real live rats attacking and feasting on human dolls. However, this idea was scrapped when the studio started being infested by fleas from the rats. Now, while to you this may not be a big deal (besides the itching), I just want you to know that fleas on rats can give a very bad disease. The disease was responsible for killing between a third to two thirds of the medieval European population at the time. That disease is called the Bubonic Plague, but for those in medieval Europe, it was known as two words

Black Death

Gamera would make more movies in the Showa era before Daiei went bankrupt on the whole Gamera is the “friend to all children” move. In the Hensei era, the movies ended up being better and I can only attribute that to one things. They decided to make Gamera be an anti-hero. While Gamera was still defeating monsters, he would be destroying things as a threat to humans as well. Now a new Gamera movie is being made that will once again re-invent Gamera into the new Millennia. Hopefully it will be for the better.

Now let me just say that this movie had potential to be a good movie, but it was destroyed by the presence of that annoying brat named Kenny. I swear I have never understood the need for these little boys in these big roles. And what is even more disturbing that while this film didn’t have it, most of these monster movies consisted of young boys in very short shorts. Thank god for that.

Monster Crap Inductee: The Phantom Planet (1961)

Monster Crap Inductee: The Phantom Planet
Fried Planet…..Anyone??

Folks, after last week’s induction of the Bat People, I was looking forward to a movie that hopefully didn’t bore the pants off of me. Unfortunately, I got just that with this week’s induction of the Phantom Planet. I tried watching this film without the valuable and comedic insight from Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, and Tom Servo, but I couldn’t last through the first quarter of this film. What’s even worse here is that I can’t even find any bit of interesting information about this movie to share with you. So since I don’t have any good information to give to you that should be before my induction, let’s just get on with the movie.

We begin this turd with countdown that leads to the explosion of the atomic bomb. Oh great…..

We then get an introduction from a narrator. He is basically telling us that man has basically been able to reach the deepest parts of space. Unfortunately, they could only imagine that we would only use the science we have now to create pills to make your penis grow in size. Gee, I wonder how that conversation went.

Scientist #1: You know we should probably get on with going further into outer space
Scientist #2: Not now, I’m too busy dealing with finding a cure for my small penis so my wife won’t complain about sex when I get home.

We then are told that the moon is now a base and while seeing rocket ships that look like ballpoint pens and asteroids that look like granola. We then get some philosophy mumbo jumbo which I can only sum up as saying many questions are still needed to be answered. We end that talk with the narrator saying that this story we are about to see is only the beginning. We go to the inside of the rocket ship where two pilots are flying this spacecraft. Captain Leonard and Lieutenant Web (who by the way is played by the director’s son) are the two pilots on board. They of course speak in the normal manly information guy voice. He makes the dumbest statement in the world to make in saying its quiet and lonely up here. He then says that after today, they will be happy to get back to that dreary old moon. Okay, I guess they are saying being posted on the moon is like being posted in Antarctica.

Suddenly, for some unknown reason, the rocket ship starts going off course. And somehow in outer space, you can take a sharp left. They then see that something is approaching very fast. It is the Phantom Planet in which this movie is named after, although I can very much see it and it looks like a piece of fried chicken from the Colonel.

They can’t avoid it due to the gravity of this planet and they crash into it, killing both pilots. And then we see the opening title scene which looks like it was made out of foam.

Yes folks, its time for the opening credits. After the opening credits, we see more asteroids and this time, they look like pieces of Honey Bunches of Oats.

Part Of Your Nutritious Breakfast
We then go back to the moon and we see the moon base, which looks like a child built it. We go inside another rocket that is about to be sent out to search for the rocket that crashed and the door for this rocket ship looks like a door a kid would use. You know, for astronauts, you might want bigger doors so people can, I don’t know; get in without hurting their back.

We are introduced to the main character, Capt. Frank Chapman. He is being told by his boss that he is being sent out to search for the lost rocket.

The rocket then is shot off (so much for the whole countdown intro). It even gets worse that this whole launching scene gets the suspense music. Chapman is joined Lt. Ray Makonnen. You know, his name is too long so I am going to go with a nickname here and just call him Mako

Like The Shark

Oh, and these guys seem to have the same voices as the first guys. Chapman mentions that always on takeoff, his heart beats like a sledgehammer.

Did Somebody Say Sledgehammer?

What, we couldn’t get someone more current like Triple H??

Triple H Is Not Allowed To Come Out And Play
Oh, ok then. They then look at the moon and Mako makes probably the best piece of dialogue we will hear in this whole movie.
Lt. Ray Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful. If you just take the time to look at it.
Wow….for a crappy movie, that is actually pretty deep. We then receive a radio message that warns the two pilots that there ship is completely off course. Chapman gets the wild idea to change some of the schematics of the ship path so they get back on course. And like the last ship, they make a sharp left turn. They then rationalize their change of course by saying that lightning never strikes twice and if they were to find this planet, they would need to look elsewhere. Mako makes some more philosophical phrases about what they are looking for, comparing their search for fishing. You know, that kind of would be true, if they had a giant meat hook and they were fishing for stupid people.

Things start going crazy and once again they are told that they are going way off course. The pilots realize that they are in a heavy magnetic field and parts of their ship are not functioning at this time.
The pilots then lose contact with their base and they barely missed the crunchy asteroid field. They then decide to go outside and fix the situation. Wow…..they have no wires to hook themselves to the ship and they are going outside to fix a moving space craft. They go outside and attempt to fix the spaceship with a wrench. Wow….so fixing a spaceship is like fixing your own car. That’s great information to know. During this scene, steam hits Mako’s helmet blinding him. Suddenly, small rays of light start firing and the way these things are flying, it looks like Yosemite Sam is firing at our heroes.

One of the shots hit Frank’s airline passage, causing Frank to slip into unconsciousness. Mako sees this and carries Frank’s hide back into the ship before he takes a light ray right to the back and floats out in space dead as the door to the spaceship closes.

Chapman wakes up and finds that he is all alone in the spaceship. He goes to the ship’s controls and tries to call for Mako, but gets no response from Mako. He grieves for a moment as he gets back to his seat and tries to steer the ship back to safety. Unfortunately, he sees the planet and is unable to stop the ship from crashing.

Luckily for him though, his ship lands safely and he is still alive. Chapman gets out of the ship afterwards and tries to check his surroundings. He passes out on the ground and relives his whole life up to this moment. While he is passed out, he is greeted by men that are only an inch his size

The microscopic men check on Chapman as he wakes up. When his eyes open, the tiny men run for cover. Frank sees these men and is freaked out to see them. Unfortunately, this shocking discovery and the opening of his space helmet causes Chapman to faint. Suddenly, Frank starts shrinking until he is now at the same size as the microscopic men he found. The shrinking scene is akin to a scene from the Wizard of Oz.

Frank wakes up a small man as the other microscopic men start grabbing him. Frank tries to defend himself, but is overwhelmed and captured by the men. A trial is commenced against Frank for his attack of the little people. It is judged by two people, a judge and Cessum, who is ruler of this planet. All of the jury members in this trial are all female and the main prosecutor is one of the small people who grabbed him, Herron. Despite what Frank thinks is a great defense, he is found guilty and his punishment is that he has to stay on this planet for the rest of his life. The planet is called Rheton and as Cessum explains that on Rheton, the people are able to translate all languages through voice tone waves. You know, I wish I could have that ability just in case someone who speaks a different language tries trash about me in their language.

After the trial, Liara, Cessum’s daughter, shows Chapman around Rheton. She explains that this planet is small and due to the planet being small, the atmosphere is small, and due to the atmosphere being small, the people of Rheton are small as well. She then explains that the atmosphere on their planet works the same way.

Another thing that is explained is that they have a gravitational pull that is huge. This planet, unlike most planets moves in a different orbit than most planets. Unfortunately, because of that, that would mean that Rheton would be considered a dwarf planet.

Still Sour About Pluto No Longer Being A Planet

Meanwhile, back on the moon, Chapman’s superior is informed that they have lost contact with Chapman’s ship for several says. The superior says that he will wait 24 hours and if they don’t hear back, he will send another search team for him.

Back on Rheton, Cessum comes in and tells Chapman that as a show of hospitality, he will allow Chapman to pick between two women to become his wife. The two women are the black haired Zetha, who can not speak or Cessum’s brown haired daughter, Liara. This gift is not appreciated by Herron, who is in love with Liara. He is fed and explained more about the planet by Liara, who has obviously shown a great interest in him. Liara explains that his rocket ship has been jettisoned from Rheton, which screws up all hope that Chapman is getting back to Earth.

Meanwhile, back on the moon base, the Colonel sends out a rescue team comprised of Captain Beecher and Lieutenant Cutler to find out what happened to Chapman and Mako. Their rocket, which looks like one of the rocket lollypops, finds the missing ship and see that both Chapman and Mako have completely disappeared.

Back on Rheton, Chapman has another conversation with Liara and with these early conversations, it seems like Chapman will chose Liara to be his wife. He is sent to work on the planet’s gravitational pull and he now needs more info on the gravitational pull for him to do his job successfully. He asks Cessum for more info and Cessum complies with his request. He explains that the planet’s resources allow the people of Rheton to control the gravity on this planet. Chapman explains that their planet couldn’t do that and that Einstein tried to explain this before dying. Using scientific terms, they can basically control what happens on Rheton, but they are slowly using up the energy needed to keep this planet alive and soon, it will get smaller and smaller until it is wiped from existence.

While out on a walk, Chapman bumps into Zetha and decides to ask if she wants to take a walk with him. She nods her head and off they go. He takes her to where his space suit is still at and with the way he is talking, he seems rather smitten with her. They walk out of the camera shot and we see that Herron has been listening to the whole conversation. He thinks that Chapman is conning both women and since he is in love with Liara, he is not happy with Chapman. He goes to Cessum and demands a duel with Chapman. Chapman comes in and after hearing this, accepts Herron’s challenge.

The rules of the duel are simple. There are two squares that control the gravity, when someone lands on one of these squares; they are pulled deeper by gravity until they disintegrate. Using a bar with handles that looks like it was stolen from a seesaw, they must shove each other until the loser is pushed into their square and disintegrated. Both men take their shirts off, which I’m sure women of the world enjoyed. However, I am a guy and I don’t enjoy seeing hairy chests except my own. The duel begins and Herron is almost about to win when Chapman gets an extra boost of strength and forces Herron back. The battle seems over and it looks like Chapman is about to win, when he notices that Liara seems excited by this duel. He looks back at Herron and decides that no good could come from killing him, so he stops the duel. After the battle, Chapman berates Liara because he thinks that Liara would have gone with the winner no matter what. He says he doesn’t like her and wants off the planet. Because of this stance, Liara thinks she has an idea to get him off the planet.

At night, Chapman wakes up with a dagger close to his throat. The dagger is being held by Herron, but Herron decides not to kill him. He instead reveals that he has a plan to get Chapman off the planet. Herron’s plan is for Chapman to get into his suit and using the oxygen from Earth, he will be able to grow big again. When Chapman accuses him of doing this for Liara, Herron confirms this with a “Yes I am”. He reveals that he is in love with her even though she doesn’t love him and with Chapman no longer around, he will be able to win her heart.

Herron says that two nights a week, he is alone in the gravitational control room. During one of those nights, he says he will use it to maneuver Rheton’s orbit near the moon. Herron tells Chapman that he believes they will see him and be able to rescue him. Suddenly, an alarm is set off and both Chapman and Herron go to see what’s up. At the control room, Cessum reveals that Rheton is being attacked by their enemies, the Solarites. They move their planet out of the way so the Solarites lose sight of their planet again.

After being able to escape, Herron reveals that the Solarites are a group of aliens from a sun satellite. They have been after Rheton because they want Rheton’s gravitational pull so they won’t be pulled into the sun. If they are not stopped, Cessum believes the Solarites will attack Earth. Cessum then tells his daughter, Liara, show him the Solarite they have as prisoner. Liara complies with her father’s orders and shows him the Solarite prisoner. For those of you who do not know what a Solarite looks like, here you go.

Damn….that is an ugly creature. Personally, it looks like Droopy and Crow T. Robot had sex and the stork gave them this child.

During the last war, this Solarite was captured and is caged thanks to an atom wall. They keep him locked up because they believe he will kill every person of Rheton alive if he ever escaped. Liara reveals that ever since this Solarite attacked, Zetha has lost her voice. Unfortunately, the Solarites have returned and are attacking the back of the planet. We get a close-up of a Solarite ship and it looks like a burning dog biscuits.

Before beginning their defense, Cessum asks both Herron and Chapman what they should do. Both men, of course, want blood and say attack. The battle commences and it is a very short one with the people of Rheton using their gravitational pull to disintegrate the Solarite ships. However, a Solarite shot does hit the planet and that shot takes down the atom wall that held the one Solarite prisoner. Now he is mad and searches around for someone to attack. Unfortunately, the first person he sees is Zetha, who is asleep. When she awakes, the Solarite grabs and scares her into fainting.

You Know, If I Was A Monster Who Had Been In Prison For A While A Saw A Hot Thing, I Would Do Something Completely Different From What This Monster Does. Just Saying....

Back at the control room, Cessum decides it is time for him to go to bed.

In the hallway, the Solarite has Zetha in his arms and is moving forwards until he sees Cessum coming. Upon seeing him, the Solarite hides in another path near the hallway. As soon as Cessum passes, the Solarite attacks him and knocks him out. Cessum’s screams cause the others to see what is going on. They enter the hallway and see Cessum knocked out. Luckily he is still alive and they realize that the Solarite has escaped and has Zetha with him. Chapman decides to go after Zetha and finds her in the control room. While tending to her, the Solarite comes out of hiding and is ready for attack again. But when Zetha sees that Chapman is about to be attacked, she screams and Chapman turns around to see the Solarite. A battle commences and the Solarite has the advantage until Herron comes in to make the save. After the most pathetic two on one battle since kindergarten, Chapman and Herron are able to send the Solarite into the gravitational box and disintegrate it.

Now that the battle is over, Herron reveals that tonight is the best time for Chapman to leave. Chapman agrees but before he goes, he has to say goodbye to Zetha. Zetha is now able to speak and explains that the possibility of seeing Chapman killed by the Solarite caused her to scream and regain her voice. They embrace with one last kiss before he leaves. Herron escorts Chapman back to his suit and with the air turned on, he is able to grow back to normal size.

In space, the rescue team sees the planet and when they get close to it, they see Chapman. The rescue crew lands and is glad to see Chapman alive. They ask where Mako is and Chapman says that he is dead. Chapman occasionally looks around to see if he sees the miniature men, but doesn’t and thinks the whole thing was a dream. But it wasn’t a dream and we see the people of Rheton as the rescue ship leaves for the moon base. And with that, this movie is over.

Now there is one interesting piece of information that I couldn’t share with you before because this bit happened after the movie was made. It involves the man who was in the suit, playing the Solarite. His name is Richard Kiel and he would be able to do very well after this film since he is a big man. He would go on to be the monster in another crappy movie Eegah before hitting it big as one of the most recognizable villains in the history of James Bond. You might know him better as the guy who played…..


Unfortunately, this movie sucks. It only had a few scenes of action and even those scenes were rather pathetic. You could directly tell what most of the props were in this movie and despite how many jokes I was able to get out of it, it all ran as a rather dull movie. I mean, it seemed like there was no personality whatsoever in this movie so you could never really relate to the characters. Of course, I’m sure because of the fact that the women on this planet were all white and mostly subservient; this movie probably pleased Don Imus.

Monster Crap Inductee: The Bat People (1974)

Monster Crap Inductee: The Bat People
You Might Want To Get Your Eyes Checked For Rabies

Bats…..a very misunderstood animal. So much has been said about the bat that scares people so much that people don’t seem to the abuse of these animals. They have been called blood suckers, vampires, or as my mom calls them, rats with wings. As you might have guessed, my mom is not thrilled with bats. In fact, you wouldn’t be surprised to know that she hates them. Now, while most movies deal with bats as vampires, there are not too many movies that call bats as other monsters. Now there is a reason for that. One of those reasons as you know would be because most of those movies…..well, suck. This time, we review such a movie……The Bat People.

Now while normally, I have a description of what was going on before this movie. I only have a few prior knowledge of this movie. You remember when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez worked together in two movies and they both flopped. I remember that there was a lot of talk that said actors in a relationship should not work together. Well, that wouldn’t be the first time this had happened as a lot of movies have dealt with this issue. This is one of those moves. Stars Stewart Moss and Marianne McAndrews had been married for four years before doing this movie together. They were in fact the main characters in this movie. But that is all I have so let’s get on with this movie.

We start this movie with bat noises. Those noises then direct us to single human eye looking around. We transition this eye with scenes of well…..bats squeaking. We then hear the voice of our main character, Dr. John Beck softly asking for help. But don’t despair, it was all a nightmare. This of course wakes up his wife, Cathy……

She wakes up her husband, with whom she calls “Johnny”. We come to find out that John has had this dream before. After that, she tells him to try and go back to sleep as if she were his mom. John goes back to sleep as we begin the opening credits with Sally Stevens singing an eerily crappy theme song. We also see caves and cliffs. From a far distance, a car is driving on a dirt road. Inside the car, John is driving while Cathy tries to play the guitar. They park near a bunch of rocks in the desert. In the desert, Cathy finds a cactus fruit and asks her husband what it is. He tells her and she goes….oh. Suddenly, John starts hearing strange noises from the cave, but only he can hear them. Cathy can’t hear it, but can see a bat out in the middle of daylight on their picnic area. John gets rid of it of course by throwing a rock at it. Of course because this bat is out in the middle of daylight, I am wondering if it is sick at all.

Cathy then tries to convince John to skip the caves and just go on the slopes. John says he wants to see the cave tour because of course, its part of his work. He asks if that is why they are out here and she reminds him that this is part of their long overdue honeymoon. After that, John thinks about missing the cave tour for her, but she changes her mind and allows for them to go on the cave tour. We then get more car driving on a dirt road and…..zzzzzzzzzzz.

Sorry….I must have dozed off since this movie seems so boring to me. We then see a group of people going into a cave. And several of those people are senior citizens who are hoping to find a Country Kitchen Buffet.

Old People Need Their Country Kitchen Buffet

The park ranger is telling the group about staying together while in the cave and of course because he says this, John and Cathy decide to separate from the group and do their own sightseeing on areas off the path. The plan is of course to have sex in the cave….how romantic?

Cathy starts running around the cave with John playfully chasing her until they find out why people stay on the path in caves. She falls down into a part of the cavern that is not part of the tour and meets a bunch of mites. John goes down to help her, but when they are down there, they find out that there is no way to get back up. They of course decide to wait because they are sure that the park rangers will realize they are gone and look for them. Cathy of course wants to leave, but John convinces her to stay.

Suddenly, John starts hearing the noise again and a bat flies directly at him. John is able to get the bat off of him and kicks him away, but the bat has already bitten him. After a few seconds, more noise can be heard, but Cathy wants you to think its more bats. However, last I checked, bats don’t have voices saying “Hey, you down here”. John finally hears it and yells for help. While saying this, Cathy gets the sudden urge to kick the bat away which doesn’t thrill John too much. After trying to figure out why, she realizes that John wanted to check the bat for rabies.

Now in a car, Cathy is still apologizing for kicking the bat away. John of course makes a joke that they could have had bat stew, which disgusts her. John then says he hears that it tastes like white meat of tuna.

Charlie Has Paid For This Time To Tell You That Bat Stew Does Not Taste Like Tune

Cathy says that he is disgusting and John asks her if she wonders what they look like to a bat. Cathy says she doesn’t care about bats and only cares about John. He responds that he only cares about her……….and bats.

This of course doesn’t thrill her but she gets the joke. He then of course gets strange noises in his head, but we move on to a scene where they are on a ski lift. They are looking at the slopes and are smiling at how great this slope is going to be. Suddenly, John starts having an attack and with montages of bats and his wife running in his head, he goes into a seizure fit. When his wife screams in the dream, he wakes up to see that Cathy and all of the other people in the lift with them worried.

Now skiing, they go down several slopes with some of the most boring music imaginable. We move then to the couple in the Jacuzzi, where they are drinking alcohol when John gets another attack in the Jacuzzi. During this seizure attack, he burns his hand and with that, Cathy forces him to go to the doctor.
At the doctor, Dr. Kipling is convinced he has rabies and wants to get a Pasteur treatment on him immediately. John is reluctant about getting the treatment, but Cathy insists so he agrees to do the treatment. Dr. Kipling also originally doesn’t mind waiting a week, but because of Cathy’s complaining, he agrees to take him to the hospital for treatment. John receives the first injection of the Pasteur treatment and goes into shock.

Even though Dr, Kipling believes that John has an allergic reaction, he forces John to stay at the hospital for the night. John talks about how ironic the whole situation is and with that, we know something bad is going to happen.

At the slopes now, Cathy is seen talking to Dr. Kipling. She has heard about what happened at the hospital and Dr. Kipling tries to calm her down by saying this is normal. However, Cathy says that he had all of these reactions before he took the serum. Dr. Kipling is convinced that he does not have rabies, but Cathy is still being negative, thinking only the worst.

Back in the hospital bed, John is having another nightmare, but this time with a lady from a trailer getting attacked by bats. We find out that it is night at the hospital and while he is sleeping, we see that his hands are becoming hairy and webbed. We go back from his head to his hand and this time, sweat is forming on his hand and his nails are getting longer. John wakes up and sees his hand completely morphed into the hand of a monster. He gets up and looks at the mirror. While looking in the mirror, he suffers another attack. Outside of his room, in the nurses’ station, a nurse is talking to her boyfriend over the phone. Suddenly, she is attacked by someone and killed immediately.

The next day, a different nurse finds John’s wedding ring on the floor and wonders how it got there. She gives it back to John and leaves the room while Cathy comes in with a bouquet of flowers for him. She wonders about how the ring came off, but John is more concerned about seeing s psychiatrist. She tries to talk him out of it, but he is convinced something is wrong with him. Cathy has already signed him out and is convinced that he should not be in the hospital anymore, but John believes otherwise. Seeing that this isn’t an argument she will win, she agrees to let him stay at the hospital. Feeling guilty, John once again agrees to come home with Cathy.

John is buying some nightgowns for his wife and has another attack when Sergeant Ward of the city’s police department comes in. The sergeant comes in concerned in the beginning, but begins asking questions about where the doctor was at the time of the murder of a nurse near his room. John seems concerned about his hand and hides it originally, but sees that his hand is fine. He shows him a hospital brace that was near the body and tells John that it is his bracelet.

We move to a romantic dinner between John and Cathy. However, they are not at the table eating the food as they are in bed. John gets up and looks out the window. He opens the window and leaves the motel room. We go to a store where he has broken the window and is beating up a mannequin, before stealing the sweater on it. He goes towards a trailer park and sees a woman getting out of her truck. It is the same woman from his dreams and he attacks her immediately. She gives him a decent chase, but is cornered and killed.

We originally believe this was all a dream because John wakes up screaming. Cathy wakes up and tries to calm him down. It works and John goes back to sleep. Outside, Ward has parked and is knocking on the door. John and Cathy answer the door and are told about what happened at a trailer park. So it wasn’t a dream. He starts asking John questions again and shows him a piece of a sleeve. Ward leaves with no new information as John goes back into his motel room.

We move to Dr, Kipling’s office, where Dr. Kipling gives John some sleeping medicine that would “knock out an elephant” for his nightmares. John isn’t sure if they are nightmares, which gives Dr. Kipling a speech in which he believes John is feeling unnecessary guilt over the nurse’s death. He thinks that John was sick and stumbled upon a dead nurse and believed he did it. We move to the hallway where Cathy is speaking with Dr. Kipling. Cathy is not happy that John wants back into the hospital, but Dr. Kipling says that she should allow her husband to do this one.

Back at the hospital room, Cathy brings John a basket of fruit to cheer him up. She says that she talked to John’s mother, which John was not happy about. She lied to his mother and told her that John is okay. After a conversation, John goes into another attack and asks to be left alone. When Cathy leaves, John goes to the mirror and tries to convince himself to stay at the hospital. He goes to another room, locks the door behind him, and while the nurses and Cathy are trying to talk to John, John leaves through a window while stealing an ambulance car.

Sergeant Ward receives a message that there was a stolen ambulance and after finding out who it is, goes after the ambulance. He is now convinced that John has committed the murders. This of course begins a boring car chase. While the car chase continues in the desert, John gets another attack. Ward tries to convince John to pull over, but John is not listening and forces Ward off the road. John speeds away in the stolen ambulance as the sergeant tries to create a road block. John however doesn’t go very far as he crashes the ambulance. After escaping the totaled ambulance car, he runs off into the field. He stops off at an abandoned farm to hide.

Back at the hospital, Sergeant Ward is telling Cathy that he is convinced that John is behind the murders. Cathy still does not believe him, even when he shows evidence otherwise. When he talks about why he left the hospital in a stolen ambulance car, she gives the excuse of him hallucinating on the medicine. Oh great, blame medicine for your husband’s criminal deeds.

Back to the abandoned farm, John meets an old drunk. He has a brief conversation with the drunk while in hospital pajamas. The conversation topics these two share are broken arms, being “free”, and depression. John is offered a drink from the drunk and takes a swig before spitting it out. He starts transforming and attacks the old guy, killing him.

After killing the drunk, John steals his clothes and goes to the cave where the bat bit him. In that cave, there is another tour going on. Before the tour group leaves, there is a camera flash so we know that someone has a camera. It is from a female photographer who is straying away from the group to take pictures. We go to another part of the cave where the group disappears again and the female photographer is way behind still taking pictures. Her decision to go behind proves to be her undoing as while she is taking pictures, she is grabbed from behind and taken by John. Since she was very much behind the group, no one hears her scream. We go back to the group and we find out that one of the women from the first group is in this group as well. Talk about a cave-aholic.

We go outside the cave where John has the keys to the female photographer’s car. This can only mean that he probably killed the photographer and is now using her car to getaway. He goes to a hospital blood bank and just so happens to have a doctor suit on. In the storage room, he bumps into a nurse. He asks her for the anti-rabies vaccine and of course thinking he is a doctor, she shows him that they are in the cabinet. When he finds the vaccine, he suffers from another transformation attack. He attacks her and asks for the blood containers. She gives it to him and he sucks the blood out of one of them. It seems that he is going to kill her, but she escapes and runs right into Sergeant Ward. She tells Ward that John is in the room and Ward goes in after him. When he gets to the room, John is gone. He sees only the empty blood containers and the discarded doctor’s outfit.

Sgt. Ward heads back to the police station and is informed that John left an audio confession nearby. We hear the tape of John talking about how he turned into a man-bat. During this, we see John stealing the tape recorder from the car, sucking the blood out of a bat, and hiding in the caverns. We move to Dr. Kipling’s office where Cathy can no longer hear the tape and turns it off. She is still convinced that he is hallucinating, but Sgt. Ward sees it as a confession and that’s all that matters. Dr. Kipling is also convinced that John is the killer now. Sgt. Wards turns back on the tape and we hear more from John. During this part of the tape, we see John in the cave looking at all the bats. With all of this, Cathy can no longer hear the confession and leaves the room to head back to her motel room. We then see the scenes of Dr. Kipling and Sgt. Ward changes to a scene where Cathy is now back in her motel room. John is however in the room and says hi. He wishes not to be seen as he believes he is hideous. We can of course only see one of his eyes during this scene, but it still comes off as extremely boring. But this whole eye thing would be scarier a lot later.

That was of course a scene from the original Black Christmas. Not from the remake that really sucked. Anyway, back to the movie. The conversation between Cathy and John is interrupted when Sgt. Ward comes knocking. He asks if she has seen John anywhere, to which she says no. He asks to come in, but she refuses once again. Ward gives up by saying good night to her. After he is gone, Cathy turns on the light and sees that he is not a Man-Bat. He wishes to say goodbye to her, but she is able to coax him into having sex with her.

John: I Must Leave Now
Cathy: Let's Have Sex
John: Okay.
Of course, Sgt. Ward is still in the motel parking lot, and finally decides to leave. After the sex, John starts his transformation again. Cathy sees this and screams at the transformed monster who was her husband. The motel keeper hears all of this and goes to check on her. She does say that she is okay and she replies that she is fine. After her reply, he leaves the room as she sees that John has left through the window. She sees that he left her his cross and cries.

At a cavern entrance, we see Sgt. Ward prepared with his shotgun when he gets a call that Cathy has told the park ranger that she killed John. He still goes in the cavern to make sure, but bumps into John who is very much alive.
A chase starts, but John is cornered by Sgt. Ward. Ward starts taking liberties with his authority by beating up John while having a gun. Unfortunately, Ward’s cheap shots cause John to transform and the newly transformed John attacks Ward.

Might I add that his new look looks like the wolfman. Maybe I could recommend a better Were Bat look from a movie about a werewolf. You might say it is called Werewolf.
The Man-bat beats the crap out of Ward and runs away. After getting his ass kicked by a monster, Ward decides it is best to get back to the station before the monster decides to kill him. Don’t worry Ward; retreat is not always a bad thing.

At the police station, Cathy sees the damage done by her husband and agrees to help Ward find John. Suddenly she starts hearing that strange noises her husband heard earlier and I can only basically guess how this movie is going to end. She leads Ward to a cave at night where a thousand bats fly out of the cave and start pooping on the car.

Cathy smiles and leaves the police car, leaving the door open. And because of the door being left open, the bats attack Ward, killing him. Cathy then goes to the cave and is joined by her husband. We can only assume that she was bitten by John during their night of sex and now she is a man-bat as well. And now I am glad to say, this movie is over.

Well, there isn’t much to go on after this disastrous movie was made. The only thing I can tell you is, Stewart Moss and Marianne McAndrew are still married. And seeing as how many bad movies between couples have been known to kill relationships, I congratulate the two for continuing on with their marriage.
After reviewing this movie, I must say that I was suffering from extreme boredom. I saw no interesting scenes in this movie whatsoever. In fact, I might say that I would rather watch Monster A Go instead of this crap.
On Second Thought, Bat People Aint As Bad.

Monster Crap Inductee: Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster (1966)

Monster Crap Inductee: Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster
We’re Going To Need A Bigger Bowl Of Cocktail Sauce


I don’t care what people tell me, I will always believe that Godzilla is the greatest monster walking the face of this Earth. However, for those who have argued against Godzilla, you have some very good points on Godzilla having some crappy battles. And with that, I am going to be inducting another one of those awful battles with Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster.

Now, if you were unlucky enough to have bought this movie (I know I am….although I own every single Godzilla movie so it doesn’t matter), you would probably be wondering what the Sea Monster’s name is. Well now, you won’t have to worry because as a matter of fact, I can tell you that the monster’s name is Ebirah. Now there are only two ways of knowing this. One is to look it up on the internet somewhere and the other (for those who are lazy) is to look at the back of your video tape cover as it normally gives you the name of the Sea Monster.

Here are actually some interesting facts. Now I’m sure that when you see Ebirah, you are thinking of a giant lobster. You would be incorrect because Ebirah is technically a giant shrimp. Ebirah is derived from the word Ebi, which means shrimp. So when you see the tagline being “This is one lobster you don’t wish order”, remember that you are dealing with a shrimp and not a lobster. Another thing is this was the first movie to not be directed by Ichiro Honda, who was very much responsible for the Godzilla movies of the Showa Era.

Also, you might want to know that this monster was originally not supposed to be facing Godzilla. In fact, it wasn’t originally going to be a Godzilla movie as it was going to be a King Kong movie. However, Toho could not get the rights to King Kong this time so they had to settle with the Big G instead so they won’t have to deal with the issue of trademark rights since they own Godzilla. And all of this would be responsible for one very stinky movie.

We begin this crappy movie with the opening credits and there are actually two different opening credits. Originally there wasn’t really much on the opening credits, however….in 1991; an American company who bought the distributing rights to this film, Film Ventures International, changed the opening credits to be generic opening credits with stock footage from Son of Godzilla. Now, here is the problem with that. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster was made several years before Son of Godzilla. So if you are following Godzilla movies and wondering how Godzilla ended up where he is while Minya is not around, you can join the many people who are probably crapping on Film Ventures International for that huge oversight. However, someone realized this so they changed it later on.

We start this movie with the giant pincers of Ebirah attacking a fishing boat on the stormy seas. Of course, it destroys the boat and that will play a big role later. But once again, this was not the original way things were meant to go. Actually, the Japanese version had a scene a guy named Ryota at the Maritime Safety Agency searching for news of his brother Yata, who was one of the fishermen in the boat that was destroyed by Ebirah. He sees a poster for a dancing contest and is interested. We go to a house near the beach where an old woman is telling the mother of Ryota and Yata that Yata is still alive. Desperate to believe anything, she believes Yata is still alive, even though people around her say to just accept that he was dead. The mother says that Ryota told her that he had a plan to find Yata.

And we move to a dance competition.

It is a dancing survival contest. Basically, you dance for as long as you can until you can’t do it anymore. These contests were done a long time ago and you normally win a prize. The prize in this competition is a boat. Two guys, who might I add look like idiots dancing, are tired and leave the competition. They are Ryota’s friends Nita and Ichino. Ryota comes in and asks to enter the competition. The problem is the registration is done and he can’t enter now. Ryota wants that boat very badly and his friends tell him they will look at a boat at the docks. They drive down to the docks and go into a boat named the Yahlen. They enter and see that the boat is ready for sail tonight. As they are amazed, one of them wonders what the owner looks like. Suddenly a voice tells them that he will show you what he looks like and we see a guy named Yoshimura with a rifle pointed at them. He basically lists charges he can have filed against them and the three guys try to talk their way out of getting into trouble. The guy doesn’t believe them and threatens to call the police, but quickly changes his mind and allows them to stay the night.

In the mourning, however….Yoshimura sees that he is missing his rifle and yells at Nita and Ichino wonder where it is. They don’t know, but Ryota comes in saying he thought the gun was a toy so he was playing with it. Unfortunately, he broke it which pisses Yoshimura off so much that he wants them off the boat now. Sadly they can’t leave the boat because Ryota already took it out to sea. Yoshimura is pissed while Ryota tells him that the boat was a gift to the gods and that he will not return it. This makes Yoshimura even madder, but he eventually gives in.

Meanwhile on the radio, it is said that a sail boat was stolen and they are surprised that it is the boat they are talking about is the same boat they are on. There is then another news report about a bank robbery where money was stolen and they believe it was the work of….you won’t be hearing anymore of that because Yoshimura turned off the radio. They assume the he is the robber, but he explains that the noise bothers him. Meanwhile out on the sea, they are sailing and ask Ryota to turn the boat around one more time. He refuses and says that he is searching for his brother. It is sunset and then it goes to the next day. Hey….where did night go?

Anyway, in the boat, Yoshimura is making a skeleton key which can open any lock. They then think he is the bank robber again to which he laughs and asks if he looks like a robber to them. Ichini says that with the toy rifle, the briefcase, and a skeleton key….he sure looks like a robber. Just then, Ryota comes in and tells them that storm clouds are coming in.

That scene fades in to a storm being created and with that storm comes Ebirah’s claw which destroys the boat. They land on an island and have barely escaped with their lives. However, Yoshimura’s briefcase, which did contain the money, goes into sea. Yoshimura is pissed that its gone and when asked once again about what was in there, he says nothing of importance on this island. They then begin rock climbing to higher ground.

After struggling with the rock climbing, they run into a sword. The believe savages might be around and then they see coconuts. Or do they? Because when they say coconuts, they aren’t eating coconuts. In fact, they are eating bananas and oranges. So how do they confuse bananas and oranges with coconuts? I don’t know, but they do. After eating a bunch of them, they say that they feel like monkeys.

After laughing for a few moments, Yoshimura says that he believes this island is not deserted and uses as he calls it “a knife” as his evidence. I don’t know about you, but I don’t know how you confuse knife with a sword. But they decide to look around and then they see a ship coming in. They try to shout and one of them of them yells with the sword high above him. I don’t know about you, but that would seem to me to be the yelling of a savage.

They then realize the ship is docking on the island so they chop their way to see the ship. From a ledge, they see the ship and Yoshimura feels that something is fishy about that ship. A captain with an eye patch comes to another captain and talk about his shipment arriving early. They then force people in lesser class outfits out. These people are natives from Infant Island, the home of Mothra.

They are being captured and are slaves to these soldiers. The soldiers are called the Red Bamboo and are basically a terrorist organization.

Great….not only do we have crappy seafood, but we have a pathetic rip-off of Cobra

This Is An Insult To The Great Name Of Cobra!!!

Several of the natives try to make an escape and steal a conveniently placed canoe out to sea. The Red Bamboo people chase them until they get to the canoe and stop. The go back to the ship and watch the natives get attacked by Ebirah. Yes, this is the first time that you will see the monster in his true form. Ebirah destroys their boat with his pincer claw and uses his other claw to impale the dead natives, making them shish kabob.

The Red Bamboo soldiers laugh and tell the others that if they are thinking of escaping, they can think again. In the Japanese version, they do call the monster Ebirah, but in the American version, they just call Ebirah the monster. They force them into the basement and the one eyed captain, Commander Yamato, gets a call from his boss. The boss tells him that he must be losing eyesight in his other eye as a young woman escaped into the jungle. He is told to go after her as we see this young woman go into the jungle and sees trees and bushes moving. For some reason she was able to get a knife and she swings like mad, thinking it is soldiers from the Red Bamboo. However, it is not the Red Bamboo; it is the Ryota, Yoshimura, Ihini, and Nita. When she sees that it isn’t them, she runs away. They catch up to her and try to explain themselves. She believes them and is about to introduce herself when she see the balloon and sees the men chasing them. They all run into a cliff and look to be surrounded. When the Red Bamboo comes, the soldiers think they fell off the cliff, but they are instead hiding on the ledge underneath.

They find a cave near the ledge and enter the cave and feel a breeze meaning another entrance is near. They enter the cave as it starts to rain. Lightning creates a giant hole as the young woman prays to the sky. The four guys ask what she is doing and she says that she is praying to Mothra and it didn’t hear her prayer. She introduces herself as Daiyo and says she is from Infant Island. Ryota asks if there are any Japanese people there and she answers that there is only one. He asks what his name is and she says his name is Yata. She reveals that he got to the island about a month ago, which makes Ryota happy as he knows his brother is alive. He says he needs to get to the island immediately, but of course he is reminded of the Red Bamboo and Ebirah. Yeah, that would kill a lot of chances of getting off that island. They call him a mammoth lobster, but once again….he is a giant shrimp. When asked how she got here, she reveals that she was taken by the men of Red Bamboo.

We move to a scene where the slaves are working on creating barrels with fruit. They are praying, and that praying is stop by shots being fired. The Red Bamboo soldiers tell the slaves to get back to work. Meanwhile back in the cave, Daiyo believes that Mothra is asleep and that Mothra will hear their prayers sooner or later. While Ryota, Yoshimura, Ichini, and Nita talk about the believe system on Infant Island, we go to the people of Infant Island who are praying and dancing. We also see the tiny twins singing to Mothra. Now if none of you are aware of the twins, they are the annoying part of every Mothra movie ever made…..well, except for Godzilla, Mothra, & King Ghidorah as well as Destroy All Monsters. We see Mothra just laying there sleeping. Damn lazy moth.

Back at the cave, they talk about the Red Bamboo and plan an attack. One of them tries to refuse and throws his rock down a whole, but sees that something is in that hole, and that one thing is….Godzilla.

We move to the night and we see the four guys and Daiyo hiding behind a fake bush. Yoshimura shows his skeleton key and says he can open any lock. They then say that he has to be the robber, but Yoshimura explains that it doesn’t matter at this time what he did. He says they are going to fight with there brains which sounds like a crack pot idea to the others. Daiyo is very quiet and just has a dove with her. They continue with their fake bush and one of them trips, causing noise. Spotlights go towards the fake bush and they stand still. Daiyo releases the dove and the soldiers who see it, thinking it is nothing more that an animal, get the spotlights off the bush. The guys and gal move again behind the bush and reach a door. Yoshimura uses his skeleton key and successfully opens the door. They are in the hallway, see several scientists, find gas bottles and crawl through equipment while trying to find a way out. However, when crawling, they run into a shoe. That shoe belongs to the one man who sees them, Commander Yamato. He tells them to get up and when they do, Yoshimura throws the gas bottles at them. The gas distracts the guards while Ryota, Yoshimura, Ichini, Nita, and Daiyo run for it.

They go out the back and use the old two metal pieces with two guys carrying them trick. They try to open the gate which creates an alarm. Ryota and Nita run as Ryota gets his foot caught on a rope on an air balloon. Ichini tries to use the rope as well, but it is shot down and while Ryota leaves on the balloon, Nita is captured by the troops. The other three get into the jungle and escape.

The next day, Yoshimura, Ichini, and Daiyo are in the cave surveying the situation of what just happened. Daiyo believes Ryota can make it to Infant Island while the other two don’t. They are all in all about to give up when they hear a heart beat. It is Godzilla’s heart which means Godzilla is alive. Meanwhile, Nita is thrown into the cage with the rest of the slaves. He introduces himself as Daiyo’s friend and the slaves show that are making a formula to get Ebirah away from the Red Bamboo. Back at the cave, Daiyo is praying to Mothra, which allows us to go back to Infant Island, where they are dancing and praying.

Well, this spiritual version of Dance Dance Revolution is interrupted by Ryota landing on the balloon.

Ryota is helped by the people of Infant Island and reunited with his brother Yata. Both Ryota and Yata are told of the soldiers who are capturing their people and using them as slaves. Back on the island, the Red Bamboo soldiers are shooting randomly anywhere. Back in the cave, Ichini gets the bright idea to wake up Godzilla. After a debate, they get an interesting idea to use wire, the sword and lightning to wake the monster up. Back at the cave, they decide to make a phony batch of liquid using leaves instead of the fruit.

Back at Infant Island, Yata and Ryota are using a canoe with yellow liquid to get back to the island without being killed by Ebirah. Back at the cave, they are waiting for a storm. Suddenly, storm clouds have arrived which means good news to Yoshimura, Ichini, and Daiyo. But it is bad news for Ryota and Ichini, who are in the water in a canoe. The two lose their liquid and are attacked unfortunately by Ebirah. However, the lighting trick has worked and Godzilla is now awake.

Godzilla gets out of the mountain as the Red Bamboo soldiers notice him and run. He breaks through several parts of the cliff and when seeing Ebirah, attacks. Ebirah also sees him and diverts his attention away from Yata and Ryota. A battle commences with rock throwing. I swear, we have a mixture of tennis and soccer with these attacks. They then resort to water splashing and fire attacks. Ebirah hides as Godzilla goes into the water. Ebirah attacks again, but Godzilla beats him again as Ebirah goes back underwater. Suddenly, Godzilla goes underwater in an action that seems as if he slipped on a banana peel. No…instead, it was Ebirah pulling Godzilla under. A small battle resumes as Godzilla hits Ebirah with a rock, causing the giant shrimp to run.

The next day, Yoshimura is using a plan to capture Red Bamboo soldiers, but two of there traps capture Ryota and Yata instead. After being let down, Yata wants to help the people who are in trouble. They try to stop him, but after he leaves…they follow him. They get to a path are seen by the Red Bamboo and chased up the mountains. Daiyo seems cornered, but Godzilla is in the mountains. Godzilla chases the Red Bamboo soldiers away and looks at Daiyo interestingly.

The good guys try to rescue her, but see Godzilla and hide. Godzilla sits down as he watches Daiyo as if interested. What is this….Hooters?
Hooters.....It's Godzilla Approved

Godzilla seems to be about to fall asleep when he strangely gets a strange order of Hot Wings, in a giant condor. The Giant Condor attacks Godzilla, but in a quick pointless battle, the bird is defeated and tries to make a run for it. Unfortunately for the bird, Godzilla breathes fire and burns the bird to a crisp. And there goes Godzilla’s hot wings. Godzilla then seemingly scratches his nose, but don’t worry….he isn’t. He is copying a victory sign from Yuichi Tanuama, who is the main character of Toho’s popular Wakadaisho/Young Guy movie series.

Either That Or Godzilla Has An Itch On His Nose That He Needs To Scratch

Godzilla goes back to sitting down and gets attacked again….this time from jets courtesy of the Red Bamboo. The jets fire missiles at the Big G, but he makes short work of them. However, during this rather short battle, Yoshimura, Ryota, Yata, and Ichini use this to rescue Daiyo from Godzilla. Godzilla responds to that attack from the Red Bamboo jets by attacking the Red Bamboo base.

The Red Bamboo soldiers try to fight back, but you know as well as anyone else that their weapons have no effect on him. While Yoshimura, Ryota, Daiyo, and Ichini are watching all of this, they realized that Yata is going to try to free the slaves again. They aren’t happy about this, but they decide to follow Yata. Meanwhile, Godzilla continues to destroy the base and unfortunately, the slaves’ prison gets affected, scaring the forced labor badly.

Because of Godzilla’s attack, the Red Bamboo soldiers have no choice but to destroy the base via a timer and a underground nuclear bomb. They go into the prison and steal the barrels while leaving the forced labor behind to die. Luckily for them, Yata and Yoshimura are nearby to save them. Yata, Yoshimura, Nita, as well as the others try to stop the Red Bamboo soldiers from blowing up the island, but Godzilla destroys the place so they aren’t able to stop the timer and unfortunately have two hours left. They only have one choice left…..hope that Mothra comes to save them.

Meanwhile, the Red Bamboo soldiers try to escape from the island, but because of the phony liquid, their boat is destroyed by Ebirah. Godzilla then goes after Ebirah and another battle begins while back on land they try to create a net so Mothra can save them. Jeez….I wonder who will win this battle.

Godzilla uses his fire immediately while Ebirah goes under and drags Godzilla underwater.

Back on Infant Island, we see more spiritual Dance Dance Revolution.

There then begins a montage of shots involving the nuclear device, the dancing, the building of the net, and the battle between Godzilla and Ebirah. At Infant Island, Mothra finally wakes up and prepares to make the save. During the battle, Godzilla rips both arms off of Ebirah so Ebirah is forced to retreat armless while Godzilla taunts him with his own pincers.

Mothra comes to the rescue and Godzilla sees him. Godzilla wants another shot at Mothra due to their on again-off again relationship and Mothra goes to fight Godzilla. Mothra actually beats Godzilla this time and after winning, helps the people off of the island. Godzilla looks on as the people try to warn the king of the monsters to get off the island. Godzilla takes the hint and dives into the water as the island explodes.


The movie ends with the rescued people happy that Godzilla is safe from the exploding island.

Well…this wouldn’t be the last time that we saw the sea monster. After seeing his stock battle with Godzilla in Godzilla’s Revenge, he would resurface in Godzilla: Final Wars where he would basically be the joke monsters. He was not only killed along with Hedorah in the second fastest kill in the movie (I actually timed the battles, they are only barely longer than Godzilla vs. Zilla), he had his ass kicked earlier by the mutant task force and lost both his arms there as well. He had to be saved by the Xilians in that battle.

Once again, this is another movie where I can say it sucks. The people of King Kong were actually smart to go with a different script than this movie (although King Kong Escapes sucked as well) as Ebirah is just a pathetic monster. Also, who should be afraid of a giant shrimp and let’s not get any confusion, it is a giant shrimp, not a lobster. People would rather eat that monster than be afraid of it. In fact, I have the perfect man in mind to cook this monster.


It must be really bad though that in an interview with AMC, a director responsible for alot of crap, Roger Corman blamed the director of Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster for screwing up the legacy of Godzilla. Now while that legacy is still intact, when a director who creates crap for a living says you are crap, that must be something.