Sunday, August 22, 2010

Monster Crap Inductee: Monsturd (2003)

Monster Crap Inductee: Monsturd
Please Flush After Reading The Induction Or Watching Movie


Boys and girls, it seems that we are in for record heat wave so while everyone has to be scared of dehydration in staying outside too long, you also have to be concerned about dehydration coming from diarrhea. Why am I bringing up diarrhea, you ask??? It is because our induction quite literally has to do with crap. Yes, for a site called Monster Crap…..we have never inducted a monster based off of poop. That is until now because we will induct a movie called Monsturd. It is about a killer turd-covered man.

Oh and yes, there will be some jokes made involving other poop monsters, but let’s talk a bit about the back-story to this film…..if there was much back-story to tell. In fact, only two people did anything of note outside this movie and they both did the special effects for this movie. Glen Campbell who did work for several stuff like TRON, Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Spaceballs, Dick Tracy, The X-Files TV series, Buffy The Vampire Slayer TV series, & The Millennium TV series. Mark Pirro wrote and direct films that were trashed by the Cinema Snob called Nudist Colony of the Dead and Deathrow Game Show. That is all there is because almost everyone else had this as their first film credit on IMDB. Now since that is all, I guess I should get directly to this film.

We start our movie with…..

Dear Lord…..Did I Get A Foreign Version.

No….apparently this was a joke by the filmmakers for us. We then get the opening title of our film.

Interesting To Note The Turd Covered Credits Throughout The Opening Credits.

After that, we go to the house……


I really have been holding off on this joke, but I cannot resist using it here.

It’s Only A Model

I mean seriously, nothing says cheap like using a child’s diorama. We enter the “house” and we see a little girl who is extremely scared.

This wakes up her father and the girl asks for her dad to tell a bedtime story. The father is really tired of telling them bedtime stories (wow……this dad is definitely lazy as hell) so he tells the girl to tell him a bedtime story. She reluctantly agrees and tells the story of a place called Butte County.

Get It??? It’s “Butt” With An “E”.
It is a place of supposedly good and hard working people.

And Apparently People Trying Out For The Tour De France.
She then reveals outside of the town, there are some very bad people working at….

Dutech Labs
Dr. Stern was creating mutagen to sell for profit.

Be Careful, Mutagen Makes Mutant Heroes.

We then go to Hardell Maximum Security Prison, where a prisoner has escaped. He of course escaped from prison by fooling our dumbass guards with…..

One Of The Worst Makeshift Dummies Of All Time.
 We then meet our prisoner named Jack Schmidt….

Get It??? Schmidt Is “Shit” With The “C”, “M”, & “D”.

Something is happening at the lab that Dr. Stern is amazed by and then we go to FBI headquarters, where they receive the news of Schmidt’s escape and the person who caught him, Agent Hannigan is none too pleased by this.

Schmidt runs into the tall grass…

And Falls On His Ass….

Meanwhile at the lab, there is an accident and one of the scientists is killed.

By Being Covered With Crap….

We see that Agent Hannigan is heading to Butte County via helicopter. We then see Dr. Stern get rid of the dead scientist by putting her in a vat of acid.

No One Will Suspect Me Now!!!!

Meanwhile the manhunt continues for Schmidt. We then see a police car.

Interesting note is the crew was only able to rent this cop car for one day so all the scenes with the cop car were shot on the same day. Anyway in this cop car, a cop feels the need to pee when they get the all points bulletin on Schmidt’s escape. Meanwhile, Dr. Stern dumps the vat with the destroyed evidence into a sewage drain. Wait…..they aren’t destroying the evidence but doing research. What kind of research; what happens when we dump an experiment into the sewers?

Gee….There Is No Way This Could Go Possibly Wrong

We get a news report on the escape of Schmidt as the escapee decides to use an underground tunnel to hide.

We then go to the police headquarters where Hannigan meets with Sheriff Duncan and explains the plan for re-capturing Schmidt.

After a little congrats for Hannigan catching Schmidt, we go to the sewers and we see two cops searching them. The guy attempts to flirt with the female officer and he gets none of it. We then find out that the guy is in the sewers and the sheriff and the agent immediately head for them. The two cops catch up to Schmidt and shoot him. Schmidt falls into a pipe and sadly that is where the mutagen is at. Schmidt ends up melting and dies.

Later on at the sewage treatment plant, Dr. Stern, along with his trusty aide decide to sabotage the evidence so this accident won’t be leaked back to him.

Just In Case You Haven’t Realized, This Man Is Evil

Anyway, they decide to drain the evidence back into the sewer while shooting the guy who could finger you, with a dart instead of a bullet. We then move to the next day where Duncan is at a local cafĂ©. Duncan of course tells the waiter that Jack Schmidt is dead and the waiter is quite pleased. We then hear about the Chili Cook-off that will be in the area and Duncan seems to sweet talk the waiter. At a forensic lab, Hannigan asks the scientist there to check the sample they found where Jack Schmidt died. Johnny tells her that it is a bacterium that he has never seen before and that it appears to have chromosomes from Schmidt’s body. And what is Johnny eating while this is all going on…

Why, It’s Chocolate Pudding…………..
 A sewer worker decides to do his daily rounds of checking for anything that is happening and of course he hears something cackling. He decides to investigate and upon looking around he sees…

A Turd

Too Bad It Wasn’t Colin “Cowturd” Or I Might Have Hoped That Our Worker Kicked Punch Him In That Rat Of A Face

The sewer worker advances further and notices that it smells absolutely wretched. He then sees a giant brain looking turd…

Which Immediately Decides To Kill Him

We get a really strange scene after that with two cops and one of them having a drug addicted ventriloquist dummy.

This scene really has nothing to do with the overall storyline so the only reason I can guess that this scene is in here is because the film makers thought this was very funny and to be fair, the first time I saw it… was extremely funny. But now that I look back, it is more like….

Yes, That…

Of course for no real reason, one of the cops decides to beat up the little dummy. After that pointless WTF scene, the sheriff gets the call that someone drained the evidence and that the night manager is missing. He gets another call that a local sewage worker never clocked out last night and his wife is worried sick. Agent Hannigan then comes in and reveals that they found something very odd in the tank.

They all go into the sewers to look for the missing worker and this scene is very padded for no reason. The only things of note is there is a shadow following them for a bit and at the end, they found a bit of mush

Hannigan takes a sample of what is left while the two other cops outside of Duncan discover the body of that sewer worker.

The two officers puke at the scene and in my opinion, they ruined evidence. Of course they continue puking as if they drank a whole Ipecac.

That Didn’t Work So Well For The Griffens When They Did It.
 At a house, a wife is pissed at a husband for their bathroom being a mess. He tries to clean up the toilet and of course shit gets on him while using the plunger, which makes him scream like hell.

He Makes It Out As If He Is Being Attacked By A Shit Weasel.

Suddenly and without warning, he is attacked by…………

Definitely Not This Guy As He Was From The Awesome Movie Known As Dogma.

Instead our annoying bastard is killed by….

What This Movie Calls “The Shit Man”

We get another news report about the remains of the sewer worker found and that this has left local authorities scratching their heads. At the morgue, Duncan and Hannigan wonder what could have done that to the sewer worker. Of course, Duncan comes up with the stupid idea that an alligator in the sewer did that and of course, Hannigan tells him that he has been watching too many crappy horror movies.

Hey, I Will Have You Know Lady That There Was A Great Monster Movie Based On This Premise.

Police are also called by the wife from a few seconds earlier who is complaining that her husband messing up the downstairs toilet. The wife wants to sue the bastard and of course we see the mess. Of course we then see the first line the killer left for people.

One of the guys then reveals that this must be Jack Schmidt because apparently, he used to like to do this kind of stuff. Back at the station, they tell Hannigan about the whole thing. That night, we meet two drunken hobos.

One Of Which Has The Worst Skull Cap I Have Ever Seen.

The two drunks here a can moving and of course it is a can on string.

Apparently Someone Is Going Hobo Fishing

The two hobos follow a can even when it falls into an open manhole.

One of the bums decides to enter the sewer and attempt to get it when suddenly, he is attacked….

The Great & Mighty Poo Who Will Sing Opera To Him. Quick, Someone Get Some Sweet Corn!!!!!

No instead it is the Shit Man who decides to kill him by dragging him down into the sewers while the other bum watches in horror.

Is It Just Me Or Does This Shit Man Remind You A Lot Of Pizza The Hut From Spaceballs?

The next day, two cops are wondering if what that hobo said was true and one of them definitely does not believe anything about this shit man talk. We then see Duncan drinking at a bar and we realize that the sheriff might be a bit of a drunk himself.

The next day, Hannigan is given samples of the crime scenes and she hands them over to Dr. Stern in hopes he can shed some light as to what is going on. Of course she doesn’t suspect Stern of any wrongdoing so when he asks that she leave the samples with him, she does. When she leaves, Stern calls up one of his helpers and arranges for a team to go down there and contain the specimen. This of course complete fails and several of the doctors are killed.

Back at the lab, Hannigan uses murders from the past and present and is mad that Schmidt is still killing people from beyond the grave. The next day, Hannigan gets a call from Johnny and the two of them now suspect Dr. Stern of being the person who created this whole mess. When Johnny hears that Schmidt may be in the sewers, he comes up with an idea to kill it. The idea is if they draw it out to the sun and get the flies to eat it, they might be able to get rid of it. Johnny contacts Professor Downey (as in the fabric softener and liquid detergent), the local entomologist to get a bunch of flies ready. Downey says he will be there with the flies in two days.

That night, Duncan and Hannigan have a few drinks at his office where she talks about DuTech being evil and Jack Schmidt being the Shit Man. Duncan talks about how he liked the other idea better and we move on to…..

A Really Poor Imitation Of South Park…

It’s the episode with Mr. Hankey (called in this film Mr. Spanky) and like the other one, he is also a Christmas Poo.

Mr. Hankey Is Not Amused

Anyway, we see a guy is watching the show when his daughter tells him that there is a giant doo-doo in the bathroom. She is scared since she is convinced it will kill. The father not buying any of this, but willing to calm his kid down…..goes in and checks. He sees that there is a small piece of crap and flushes it down the toilet. Unfortunately for him, this makes Shit Man come out from in the bathtub and kill him.

Sort Of A Reverse Psycho Shower Scene Here

Elsewhere, the cops pull over a guy for drinking and driving, but don’t arrest him as they get the call about another missing person in relation to the case against the Shit Man. At the house, scientists are scraping the poop off the toilet seat to check if it is related to the other murders. Outside the bathroom, the girl tells the cops and a local sketch artist that a giant number two ate her dad. The cops have problems believing this story, but the sketch artist is able to sketch the perpetrator pretty well which scares the girl. Of course that scientist really doesn’t need to go far in seeing that it is Jack Schmidt as he leaves his calling card in crap.

At the police station, Duncan believes that he has to go back into the sewers with Hannigan trying to convince him not to. Hannigan then learns of the annual Chili Cook-Off and tries to get Duncan to warn the supervisors into postponing the event. Back at Duncan’s house, we get Hannigan and Duncan sitting on the couch, drinking alcohol and talking while porn music is playing. Oh you would expect a love scene to happen and they know you expect that so guess what, nothing of the kind happens. Jokes on you, porn freaks. But we do learn that the sheriff’s wife died a few years ago.

I Would Be Foolish In Not Mentioning That There Is A Statue With A Long Dick For Some Reason, As Well As A Replica Academy Award & A Statue Scratching Its Ass.

Another news report is shown with it being this time about the incident that happened to the father who was watching the fake South Park show. The police come out and start announcing that they need to stay away from their toilets. What should be a rather standard scene gets more padded out with the cop basically making light of the situation in funny ways.

The sheriff tries to convince the supervisors to postpone the Chili Cook-Off because of the Shit Man and that goes over just how you would expect it to with the board laughing in his face. That night, the two are mad about no one listening to him. The sheriff then decides to drink his worries away. Duncan goes to the bathroom in one of those urinal stalls and sees on the wall that someone is making fun of his belief in the Shit Man.

That night, Stern lures the beast using canned corn & peanuts. Stern is able to make a deal with the Shit Man that if he helps Stern, Stern will help him. The cop who was doubtful of this whole thing, still doesn’t believe in the Shit Man. He reasons that Duncan is too drunk to know what’s real anymore. Meanwhile Duncan and Hannigan reveal their plan on how to deal with the Shit Man which will be draw him out with super soakers filled with Pepto Bismol.

We get a montage where the cops buy all the diarrhea medicine. They also buy all of the diapers for armor. Among the other things grabbed are toilet paper and plungers. That mourning the sheriff visits the grave of his dead wife and prays for success. Hannigan shows up and gets him ready for their plan. But at Stern’s house, he has his butler attempt to ruin the plan.

The Chili Cook-Off begins and while I have never been to a Chili Cook-Off, I would like to do so since I do love chili. Meanwhile, the butler knocks out a different sewer worker and dresses up as him in an attempt to sabotage this mission. The police and Hannigan go into the sewers armed and prepare to fight the Shit Man. I should note that our good friend, Downey has now a million flies caught in a cage.


Do we really need to note how stupid that is??? Well in this film, the bugs stay in the cage. While in the sewers, Stern attempts to find the Shit Man using fart noises and of course he finds him. But our abomination feels betrayed by the people coming after him and kills Stern in his anger. The butler is also killed as well.

Oooh Nasty…..

The Shit Man chases everyone else outside and is sprayed by Pepto Bismol which does bother the monster. Downey then comes in and releases his cage full of….

CGI Flies!!!!

The people at the Chili Cook-Off notice the Shit Man and proclaim that the sheriff was right all along (all the while with dubbing that is exactly the worst). But it doesn’t matter now because the flies do their job and kill it.

The good guys celebrate…

All The While Looking Ridiculous

We then go back to the father who is intrigued and wonders what happens next. The girl then reveals that Hollywood bought the rights to the story and made a movie costing a $100 Million dollars. The little girl then screams and thus we end our film.

The people that made this film would make low budget movies like Rectuma and Retardead Most of the cast from this film worked on those two movies as well so basically this really doesn’t have much of an aftermath to it as well since this was direct to DVD. The only one I can really note that did anything worth a damn after this is visual effects guy Glen Campbell. He would end up being one of the visual effects people for the miniseries Children Of Dune and he won a Primetime Emmy for his work.

Now for my final opinion on this film and this may not be what you people want to hear. The first time I watched this movie, I laughed…..but now after seeing it again, I was not as amused. I guess you could say that as far as low budget movies go, ThanksKilling spoiled me into expecting better. The creature effects were good, but there was almost no gore in this movie. This film also fails in almost uninspired acting and a lot of padding that could bore you. Remember when I said that if the guys of ThanksKilling were given a bigger budget, they might have turned in a better movie? Well, I think if these guys were given a bigger budget based on this film, they would be the annoying duo of Friedberg and Seltzer. While I am going to say that this movie underwhelms me, I will say you give it a watch because the first time you see it, you might enjoy it. However, the second or third time watching………….I suggest you play the commentary for this film because everyone talking acts like they are so high that it makes me laugh. So that is Monsturd for you.
You know, for my next induction…..I don’t want to do another movie that I liked that disappoints me when I re-watch it. Hopefully that won’t happen as we find out from my generator which movie the fans of Monster Crap have tasked me to induct next.

Crap…..At Least I Won’t Be Disappointed This Time Because I Don’t See This Movie Actually Getting Worse Than It Already Is. Unfortunately, That Is Because It Has Already Reached The Bottom.