Saturday, May 31, 2014

Monster Crap Inductee: The Witches of Breastwick (2005)

Monster Crap Inductee: The Breastford Wives
Breastford Kind Of Sucks




So not only did you in your first chance give me a film that is boring as hell, but you gave me a film with no monsters in it.


Really….despite the fact that this is supposed to parody a film where women are replaced by robots, these are just people who are under mind control.

Sorry…I had not seen this film in a while so I guess I must have forgot that and assumed they actually parodied it.

Alright Pete…I can’t induct this film so I need you to find me a film in your collection that has monsters in it.

Well, I have this film called House on Hooter Hill, by the same director Jim Wynorski under the same pseudonym H.R. Blueberry.

Does it have monsters in it?

Well, checking on IMDB, one of the keywords is Ghost. And the summary says the film is haunted by paranormal activity

Alright, that’s fine…let me try and induct this film.

Monster Crap: House On Hooter Hill
Same Hill, Different Day



Not again…

You did it again. I watched this film which is a murder mystery and despite what that plot said, there is no ghost to be seen. In fact, no furniture even moves to signify there was a ghost. The only thing we can assume was a ghost was some psychic who says the house is haunted by her spirit and she uses her magic to try and talk to it.

Really? That’s kind of lame.

Yes, that is. Now I can’t 100% blame you for this one, but that is strike 2. One more strike and I might as well cancel your whole Summer.


Not buts about this one. I may hate Nega Seth to absolute hell, but he has never tried to make me do a film that had no monsters in it. So you better make your final chance count.

Okay well…I wasn’t going to have you induct this one since if it would happen, it would have to be two inductions in a row and I want to use this summer to show different directors, but since I am sort of backed into a corner. I’m going to give you a DVD of a film I do know has supernatural things to it and that is The Witches of Breastwick.

Are you sure this one has what I qualify as monsters.

If you counted Space Mutiny as a movie with monsters since a species of humanoids have witch powers, you WILL count this.

Alright….we shall see.

Monster Crap Inductee: The Witches of Breastwick
Three Dream Raping Devils



Okay, it has been a long time since we talked about Jim Wynorski and the last time I did that was Chopping Mall, which you know, got me a crap tons of emails wondering why I would induct this into a site about crap since they didn’t think it was crap, because far be it from me to induct a film that I hated and has a 5.4 on IMDB.

Anyway, I do consider Jim Wynorski one of the worst directors I have ever had the regret of having their films inducted. He may have had only one film inducted here, but he has had more than his fair share of crap that one day will be inducted. But let’s get to the guy himself.

Jim Wynorski was one of those directors who started off doing films for Roger Corman which works for plenty of directors over the years who went on to do better things, but this guy wasn’t good enough for that.  But thanks to a friend of his Fred Olen Ray (who he co-directed some of his films with him), Jim Wynorski also got into the porn game and decided in an attempt to save his resume to put fake names to the credit of director. Those names are Rip Masters, Sam Pepperman, Salvadore Ross, Tom Popatopolous, Noble Henry, and in this film’s case, Harold “H.R.” Blueberry”.

Now, normally I wouldn’t even bother with past works because well, I know none of these people, but that is not entirely true. I say that because one of these guys was in a past induction of mine in Jay Richardson.

Yep, He Was The Sleazy Magazine Editor Bob Gordon
So yeah, other than that….there isn’t much else so let’s get to the film.

And we immediately get the title screen with a campfire.

Then we get a guy waking up to being tied to the stake and getting molested on by three women.

He tries to act disgusted by this molesting, even when the women take off their tops and show off their boobs.

Yes, Beavis & Butthead Are Enjoying This Film

By the way, the three women are Stormy Daniels, Glori-Anne Gilbert, and Julie K. Smith.

I know who Stormy Daniels is since I believe she has a fan in a guy I have watched on YouTube in Unemployed Skeletor and was also a porn star in The 40 Year Old Virgin at the same time as this film was done. I also know who Glori-Anne Gilbert is since she was in those other films you made me watch, making me believe they have monsters in them (also just realized that her full initials come out to GAG). But who is Julie K. Smith?

Well, she was in three episodes of the series called Erotic Confessions and was in The Bare Wench Project, along with other things. Also was Penthouse Pet of the Month for 1993.

Thanks for that info. Anyway, after a while….one of them produces a dagger.

Nooo….Not While I’m Having Women Give Me A Lap Dance.

She is prepared to stab him, but he wakes up and this was all just some dream.

A wet dream, that is.

You’re about to get stabbed, how in the hell is that a wet dream?

Oh yeah, forgot about that.

Moving on, he wakes up from sitting and we see that he is talking to his psychiatrist, Dr. Richards.

Dr. Richards Is Probably Wondering Why Are We Having This Session In A Board Room

Anyway, I feel like I have seen that room before. Dr. Richards tries to ask some legit questions like unrequited love or thinking about having an affair and David Carter (who is our main character that was being molested) can respond with is rude answers of no. He then mentions that maybe he should face his demons, which David says how he can face his demons if he doesn’t know what they are. David then mentions that he plans on going to find the place where the dreams have been taking place and Dr. Richards thinks this is a bad move, but David feels it is a chance he is willing to take. Dr. Richards says that he has seen people chase their nightmare into a padded cell. Richards recommends that he takes some time and look deep inside himself. David says he doesn’t care what he thinks, which Richards says he can only say he told him so later and that he has an appointment for next week.

David leaves as Dr. Richards says to himself that his patient is a pain in the ass. His assistant comes in and for some unknown reason, decides to get on the table and perform a striptease for Dr. Richards.

Dr. Richards Loves His Job

That is of course Jodie Moore from in episode of the Best Sex Ever where she played a stripperobics instructor and best friend of the main character.

Okay, after that several minutes of this striptease, we move on to David and his wife Tiffany taking a drive to the hills. They stop and they have a conversation.

That is of course Monique Parent, who I have been told has an extensive career, but I know her from being a character in the video game that I saw Spoony One do a let’s play of,  Phantasmagoria 2.

Ah Monique Parent (also known as Monique Harlow, Scarlet Johansing and Marnay Miranda)…she has had a lot of credits to her name besides what Seth mentioned. She was in two episodes of Erotic Confessions, an episode of Intimate Sessions, four episodes of Beverly Hills Bordello, both Club Wild Side movies, an episode of Passions Cove, the movie The Seduction of Maxine, an episode of Thrills, a…

We get it, she has been a lot of stuff you have seen. She was also sadly in that first film you sent me, The Breastford Wives. First of all, Scarlet Johansing, really?

Well, to be fair, she was married at the time Harry Johansing so she took his last name while also doing a porn name for Scarlet Johansson.

Okay…secondly, with all the films you have seen her in, I guess you kind of have an attraction to her.

Not really…for some reason, she never did it for me.

Well, that is a first. Okay, moving on.

Tiffany here thinks that David is looking for a needle in a haystack, but David disagrees and says that this place then looks familiar. The two then decide to find a place on the hillside to have sex, which takes several minutes.


This hill, the two having sex on it, that board room from earlier…those were in those two other films you showed me, Pete. In fact, this entire sex scene is similar in almost everything to a sex scene from each of those two other films.

Yeah, Jim Wynorski loved to use the same sets and actions from previous films of his, but with new people. It was a lot cheaper and since this film was shot in three days, you have to take what you can easily get.

But having the same scene in each movie…

It’s a porno…relax. Just get back to the film.

Fine…they have the sex, get dressed, and David finds a fallen tree trunk that he has seen in his dreams.

Oh Jeez….You Found A Tree Trunk That Someone Hollowed Out To Basically Look Like A Bench. There Isn’t Like A Million Of Those Around.
David is able to convince his wife to continue on. Their car breaks down and after a few minutes of trying to figure out the problem, they give up and with no cell service, they walk to find help when they come upon a house.

It’s The Same House From The Other Two You Showed Me, Pete

They go up and knock on the door. Lola answers the door.

Yep…It’s One Of The Witches From The Dreams

David seems to think he has seen her before while Tiffany says that their car broke down and they need to use a phone. Lola says that it is fine and invites them in. They of course use the phone to call the towing company, who tells them that it will be two or three hours before they can get there. Lola invites the two to wait at her place until they get help. She pours the two red wine as David and Tiffany look out on the patio.

Well, I’ll Say This…The House Is Nice.

Lola also decides to put drugs into the wine.

She gives the two the drinks and reveals that she is up here with a couple of friends who are “uh…writers”. When asked what they are working on, Lola reveals they are researching a mythological creature named LaCaCanya.

Okay, If The Giant Claw Pops Up In This Film, I Will So Immediately Give This Film A Recommendation.

I’m afraid I am already going to have to tell you that won’t be happening. Besides, while they may sound the same, they are spelled differently.


Anyway, Lola leaves the two so she can get her two friends down for dinner. David reveals that Lola looks exactly like one of the women in his dreams and Tiffany just doesn’t believe him. Meanwhile, Lola’s two friends decide to have sex and Lola interrupts them to reveal that the person they have wanted has arrived. One of the two asks if he recognized her and Lola says that she thinks so, and then the other says that their plan is now ready to commence. Of course it is other two women Rebecca (played by Gilbert) and Felicia (played by Daniels), but since they are nude, I’m going to save my reveal of the two for later. Then Rebecca and Felicia continue to have sex.

As David and Tiffany enter back into the house, Lola comes to introduce Rebecca and Felicia.

David tries to call the tow company (which was actually just Rebecca earlier) and of course the phone is dead. Felicia says that the phone reception goes on and off up here as their excuse for a dead phone, which can last two days. David can’t believe they can live like this and Lola says they kind of enjoy that luxury. Lola recommends they try again in the morning, which David is incredulous about since they were supposed to be here in two hours. Felicia then makes an excuse that when the phones go down, the tow truck guy likes to check on the old people in valley as they sometimes panic when they are cut off from the world and of course the guy doesn’t like to drive the windy roads at night unless it is an emergency. Lola says they can spend the night here, have dinner, and have a romantic night in the Jacuzzi. David and Tiffany both feel like laying down and Lola shows them to the spare bedroom.

In the spare bedroom, Tiffany thinks they are nice people and David says so was Ted Bundy and he is not happy that they are spending the night with these people. Lola thinks she is just being way too negative about people and David thinks he is being cautious. David decides to rest as Lola goes to the hot tub.

And guess who decides to join her.

Yep….Felicia & Rebecca.

Well, they all decide to have a threesome. David takes a shower and is met by Lola who asks him where he knows her from.

David reveals she was in his dreams, which she is flattered by. David reveals that the other two were also in his dreams and then she asks if her boobs were in his dreams, which he says “no, but I wish they were”. They decide to have sex.

At the campfire, Lola is asked by the other two witches whether David knows who they are and Lola confirms that he does. Felicia asks if she thinks he will be scared off and Lola says he won’t be because he can’t leave as the potion she gave him (the stuff they gave him and Tiffany in the wine) won’t allow them to leave and it will last for days. Rebecca then asks if he will submit when the time comes, Lola says he will because he is a man with a man’s desires and what man can resist their affections. Rebecca then adds none that are still alive and they all laugh at their plan. Then they strip and have a dance.

Yeah, Stewie Griffin’s Sexy Parties Are More Entertaining

Oh, I vehemently disagree

Of course you do because these women show their boobs.

Back in the bedroom, David gets woken up by a random woman.

Okay, Pete….who is this?

Ah that is Tamie Hannum. Very sexy lass who I have seen an episodes of Erotic Confessions, Nightcap, Lady Chatterly’s Stories, The Pleasure Zone, and Bed Time Stories. She was also in films like Sexy Suspects, Forbidden Sins, and Club Wild Side 2. She started late in softcore porn films at the age of 29 (that’s late in the porn industry) and she hasn’t been in anything since 2005 so the film you are watching is one of the last she did.

Anyway…the first thing she does is introduce herself as a friend and starts having sex with David. I would like to add by the way that his wife Tiffany is sleeping less than ten feet away from where they are having sex. Oh and this same thing happened in the other two films that Pete forced me to watch. So apparently in porn films, the wife/girlfriend is a very heavy sleeper.

After having sex, the woman introduces herself as Holly and warns David about the three women they have met being witches. She tries to get him to go, but he refuses as he wants to find the answers to his dreams. She warns that there will be no answers if he doesn’t go.

The next day, David wakes up to find his wife missing. He goes looking for her and Felicia says that she went for a walk. He goes looking for her and he runs into Holly, who warns him to leave before they use him and his wife to summon La CaCanya. Holly then says that the witches are too powerful and she must go.

Running Away While Wearing A Low Dress In The Woods…Seems Completely Pointless

By the way, Rebecca shows up and when David asks where his wife is, Rebecca says that she is eating breakfast. Rebecca says that Holly is just a girl who is making up stories. Rebecca mentions in the past that she saw this three headed dog.

To Be Fair, I Think She May Have Just Seen The Shield

Then, Rebecca has sex with David.

The two head back and they find Tiffany at the table and she says that Lola was about to tell the story of La CaCanya. David wonders why the tow truck hasn’t arrived yet, but Tiffany is more interested in hearing about La CaCanya. Apparently, La CaCanya was a witch born in the 19th century and lived in these woods, until the settlers came in and took her land. There was a mock trial and she was found guilty of witchcraft so they surrounded her cabin and because they were too afraid to get her, just burned down the cabin with her inside. While the cabin burned, she screamed a curse, vowing to return and take revenge on the heirs of the assailants. That was 200 years ago and during those 200 years, she has been suspected of appearing and giving unsuspecting campers rough sex, then killing them with coronaries.

They make more excuses about the tow truck not being here and at this point, Tiffany doesn’t care as she would rather hear more about La CaCanya. Lola asks Felicia to show both David and Tiffany the tree where La CaCanya was last seen near. Of course, Tiffany would rather take a bath after the hike she took so David is lead to the tree instead. Tiffany takes a bath and of course, Rebecca and Lola join her.

They then have sex and all I’m fitting is that must have been a pain in the ass to shoot a threesome in that bathtub.

Booo…That’s the last thing from my mind.

Of course, anyway…Felicia leads David to the tree where La CaCanya was last seen and…go ahead, guess what happens.

You give up?

They Have Sex

David wakes up after the sex with his clothes mysteriously back on and Felicia missing. David goes to the car and is able to get it started, but he cannot find Tiffany. It is of course night and Holly shows up to tell him that Tiffany has been taken by the three witches and leads them to their location. Holly also reveals that David is they want him because he is the last remaining descendant of the settlers as David’s grandfather was the judge who ordered the execution of La CaCanya. . Oh and all of the other guys who died of coronaries from La CaCanya were descendants. Holly also hands David a dagger.

At the fireplace, Lola, Rebecca, and Felicia have Tiffany tied up and in a trance.

With The Drugs I Have Been Given, I Can Hear Colors.

Dammit…she must have given drugs by TNA’s Willow.

With This Guy, Just Say No…

They summon La CaCanya, who is sadly just some person making a cameo.

Man, The Giant Claw Would Have Been So Much Of A Better La CaCanya.

Hold your tongue!! That is Antonia Dorian who was in the Bare Wench Project, and Dinosaur Island.

I’ve checked her IMDB page and mostly her roles are just there to give her a spot like being Vampire Girl #1, Lady in Red, Roommate, and Model #6. Basically she is just there to making an appearance in this film. So you can guess how long she is going to last in this film.

David comes in and stabs La CaCanya with the dagger.

Of course this death causes her to disappear as well as the three witches.

Tiffany wakes up from her trance and is happy that David has saved the day. Holly disappears too.

And that is the end of the film. Since pretty much everyone in this film is still doing porn and guess appearances in TV shows, I think we can skip the aftermath and go straight to my opinion of this film.

This film was bad, but not as boring as The Breastford Wives and House on Hooter Hill. The film is what it is and you will only be interested if you find the women attractive and you want to see them have sex because as the director of the film has admitted, basically they had to have nudity every five minutes. So really, it is one of those films that this film is not meant for me.

Yeah, as I have mentioned, I wanted to do this as a back to back with its more interesting, shot at the same time, sequel. That film has a more interesting cast with the extremely sexy Rebecca Love, with Nikki Fritz (who was in a past induction of yours), with Nicole Sheridan as a genie (probably the same costume as a past movie I have seen), and most interesting of all, former WCW women’s wrestler Tylene Buck aka Major Gunns.

Well, that sounds very interesting. Why didn’t we induct that film?

Well, you have a policy right now where it says we have to induct the first one (if bad enough) before we can get to the sequel.

Oh yeah, that policy sometimes does come back to bite me in the ass, but it is still going to stay because most times, it is there for memory of future events.

So let’s get to the next induction. What do you have for me?

Well, nearly two years ago, you highlighted one of the films of one Fred Olen Ray. I remember this so well because that was the first time I was able to debut on your site. So it is only fair that with my debut being with Fred Olen Ray that on my summer, I deliver a film by one Fred Olen Ray, who mostly does porn under the pseudonym of Nicholas Medina. And to make sure you don’t get mad at me like you did during this induction for films that “don’t have monsters in them”, I decided to look at the film that I had planned myself to see if they had monsters and sure enough, they have dinosaurs in it (they are even on the cover). So for your next foray into my world, I give you…

Teenage Cavegirl