As Dumb As You Would Expect It To Be.
When I did Piper Month, I somehow knew that in the back of my mind this film would win. I mean, I host a wrestling podcast and my fans are also wrestling fans. Heck, the name Monster Crap is a spinoff of the more popular Wrestle Crap. So thus we get to do a film with the flimsiest of ideas to somehow get pro wrestlers to fight zombies and that will be how Roddy Piper gets into Monster Crap.
But not only do you get to talk about Rowdy Piper and other pro wrestlers on Monster Crap. But we also get to talk about the company known as Troma.
Heck, They Were The Ones Who Originally Distributed The Hayao Miyazaki film My Neighbor Tortoro (Before Disney Got The Rights To Distribute All Studio Ghibli Films)
And this is one of those films they just distribute so other than this mention, we won’t be mentioning Troma anymore.
Instead, we will talk about the real people behind this film, director Cody Knotts and pro wrestler “The Franchise” Shane Douglas. In 2013, Shane Douglas was running a federation called Extreme Rising that tried to keep the glory days that ECW had, when they would do garbage matches and regular matches and mix them into a nice cult based show. Cody Knotts would help put up some finances and Shane Douglas would help get wrestlers in the film because he has accumulated a number of friendships with famous wrestlers over the years. Also this film was helped by a successful Kickstarter campaign because for a chance to have this insanity made, why not have people able to pay for it. So with that out of the way, let’s get to this film.
Ah…..The Good Old Troma Intro
We then begin with this quote.
Quoted By Shane Douglas
We then go to a local independent wrestling show where we see our ring announcer.
And The Cameraman Really Loves Her Legs
As she is introducing the first match, we finally get the title card.
And A Two Second Cameo By WCW’s Kevin Sullivan
Yeah, this is a wrestling movie and since I am a wrestling fan, you are going to have to get over the idea that some of the wrestling stuff will go over your head. Then we get to sort of the plot of this movie as Taya Parker (Penthouse Pet, former reality star in Rock Of Love (spoiler: she won and was Brett Michaels’ girlfriend), and in this film, a wrestling manager) is making out with a wrestler named Battling Billy.
By The Way, That Was A Stand In For Her During This Kissing Scene For Some Reason
And of course, her on-screen on and off boyfriend “The Franchise” Shane Douglas sees this and is pissed.
Please No Jokes About It Looking Like A Gay Standing 69. Not Even Porno Pete Will Show Up As He Is Not Into Man On Man Porn.
Shane wins the match and we see that Billy is not moving.
By The Way, That Is The Director Playing Himself, But As A Promoter And Not A Director. The Person Beside Him Was His Girlfriend At The Time Who Ended Up Being His Wife In Real Life. All I Can Say To Mr. Knotts Is….Good For You.
The EMTs stretcher Billy to the back and we cut to black with a voice screaming that Billy is dead.
We then cut to the next scene where Promoter Cody is meeting with Angus, who he doesn’t know is Billy’s brother and just thinks he is some guy trying to book a private show at an abandoned prison.
Angus Is Played By Independent Wrestling Personality Ashton Amherst, But He Didn’t Sound Right For The Part He Will Be Playing So Cody Had Someone Dub Over Him. I Am Not Making This Up.
He pays Cody some good money and Cody likes the deal so he offers him to pick any wrestler he has. He of course picks Shane Douglas and Taya Parker and tells him he doesn’t care about the rest.
He Also Says He Will Supply The Opponents So Everything Else Brought In…Is Cody’s Fault In Some Way.
Cody then decides that he will throw in “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Matt Hardy, and Matt’s girlfriend Reby Sky. He also adds independent wrestlers “The Neon Ninja” Façade & Thomas Rodman, and the porn star who wants to go legit Greg Grove (played by gay pornstar Matthew Rush).
….Told you Porno Pete wouldn’t show up. Finally, Cody says that with this amount of money, they can get Olympic Gold Medalist and Former World Champion Kurt Angle. Angus is fine with that idea and says to have Kurt be a surprise and have him enter through the side so no one else sees him.
We then go to a local hospital where Nurse Barbara is going out to check her makeup.
Not Helped By Her Mirror Breaking And Some Black Smoke Coming Out Of It
She then notices an unattended gurney with someone in it. She goes to unveil it and it is just some paramedic who is pranking her. She then goes to the side where we realize that she is really being watched by Angus and this fake cop named Tez Jaguar.
Tez Jaguar Being Of Course Played By Richard John Walters, Who Was Harry Warden In The My Bloody Valentine Remake
Also, he is Tezcatlipoca, a very powerful deity in Aztec religion and who in this film is supposed to be the bad deity against Quezacoatl. Barbara gets chloroformed by Angus and taken to his house.
Just In Case We Forgot That Angus Is Billy’s Brother
He then grabs the ceremonial dagger and stabs Barbara with it, killing her.
Mmmmm….Delicious Pig Heart
Angus then summons Tez and asks for the ability to avenge his brother.
Really Need To Stop Smoking In This Room, Angus.
Barbara then wakes up as a zombie and then we notice a big issue.
So some guys (played by independent wrestlers) come in and enter the house like they were paid to do. They are attacked by Zombie Barbara.
I’m Sure The Dudley Boys Would Not Be Amused To See Their Move Used In This Film And Like The Dudleys Have Said, Thou Shalt Not Mess With The Dudleys.
He is then killed by the other zombies.
Well, These Are All Actors In Real Life (Not His True Family), But This Is A Movie After All So I Can Forgive That. Just Want People Reading This To Know That.
Yeah, I think I really don’t need to keep doing that so let’s just say that other than Matt Hardy & Reby Sky…any relationship here on forward (whether it be familial or sexual) is just part of the script on not real life because if I keep doing this, we are going to have a longer ass review than necessary.
Anyway….Shane is eating breakfast with his family and hanging around his nephew Nick, who is a huge fan of his. His family tries to get him to either quit wrestling or stay longer with the family, but Shane refuses. Shane has some fun moments with Nick before he leaves and asks him to watch over the rest of the family. Shane leaves and Nick goes back inside, but he finds the place a wreck.
He then finds his dad on the floor turned into a zombie while Zombie Barbara are killing his grandmother and mom.
We then meet Roddy Piper as he hangs with some kids.
And For Some Reason, Taya And A Woman Named Serena Are Listening In.
So then we are on the bus where we meet Matt Hardy.
Making Out With A Woman That Is Obviously Not Reby Sky
Story in real life here is Reby was unavailable so they had to stick Matt with an extra. But in the film, it looks like Matt Hardy is a cheating bastard. This is kind of funny because in real life, Matt Hardy had a real life incident where he was fired by WWE because he made public that his on-screen and off-screen girlfriend Amy Dumas aka Lita had cheated on him with his best friend Adam Copeland aka Edge. It was a really big story in the wrestling world because Edge was becoming a main eventer and was close to winning the world title while Lita was in a story-line forced marriage with Glenn Jacobs’ character Kane. And of course Matt getting fired really didn’t help anyone in WWE so Matt was ultimately re-hired after 90 days (before he could make a killing in the independent scene or at a smaller rival promotion) and that real life drama was turned into a storyline feud.
We also get a conversation between Sarah and Piper about why he is friends with Shane Douglas. Of course, there was a deleted scene where Shane was a jerk to Sarah to explain why she would ask him about this, but you know….time and everything. Piper reveals that while sometimes he has questioned Shane’s motives, he also knows that as long as he has known him, Shane puts his personal honor above everything. He then simplifies it by saying that everyone covers each other’s’ back, but they are not all the same and in a strange way, they are a family.
Taya Parker goes to hang with Shane Douglas and we see they are back to being an item. At a restaurant, we see a moment where Shane is dining with Roddy and Sarah when Taya comes in and tries to sit next to Shane. Shane decides to be a dick and kick her out of the chair to his laughter. Unfortunately, Sarah laughs too and gets water in her face from Taya because of it. Sarah goes off to clean up as Shane and Taya laugh about it. Roddy is disgusted and chastises the two for doing that, with Taya intimating that Piper is trying to be in a relationship with Sarah. Piper then does an ad-lib scene where he spits at Taya.
They Immediately Get Attacked And Killed By Zombies.
The bus finally arrives shortly afterwards and Tez, who is driving, stops the bus and asks everyone to give him their cell phones since the people running this want to keep it private. Most give up their cell phones easily, except Piper because he says he doesn’t have a cell phone. Tez laughs and tells Piper to give it up and Piper looks at him cold and delivers this line.
Piper: I Don’t Have A Phone. If I Had One, I Wouldn’t Give It To You. Now Leave Me Alone
That of course settles everything and they are all allowed to head in…
When The Sky Immediately Turns To Night. Is This Freaking Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest Or Something?
Roddy immediately recognizes and greets “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.
You Know If I Was Jim Duggan, I Think I Would Greet People The Same Way
Sarah notices blood on the floor and tries to warn everyone. Marcus comes in and tastes it and tells everyone that it is just corn syrup. Marcus then tells Sarah not to fuck this up for him. When he asks if she understands, she smiles and takes him with her to the closet to do whatever.
In The Director’s Commentary, Cody Tells Us That These Two Actors Are Gay In Real Life And That The Joke Was For Them To Go Into The Closet. Yeah…Unless You Listened To The Director’s Commentary After Watching The Film (Which Means Sort Of Watching The Film Again), You Would Not Get The Humor In This And It Would Just Be An “Oh Well, She’s Making It Up To Him, I Guess.”
Greg Grove decides to have fun with shadow puppets and flex while Taya and Serena joke about it being a good thing that he is sexy because he is definitely small in the brain.
You All Ready To Botch?!!!
Why They Would Have Such A Room And Why It Would Have A Sign Like That? I Don’t Know.
In the side entrance, Kurt Angle finally arrives with a body guard.
Kurt starts to question the validity of this gig when the doors behind him are locked. They try to get out while another body guard on the outside tries to open the door and zombies start attacking. The bodyguard inside gets killed and Kurt starts beating up on some zombies.
Powerbombing A Zombie
Giving A Zombie An Ankle Lock And Ripping Off A Foot, Much To Kurt’s Confusion
And Giving Another Zombie An Angle Slam
Kurt then has a good line.
Kurt Angle: Pittsburghers know how to kill the undead.
He is then hit in the back by Angus and his jaguar cane. Angus tells him he will make a fine addition to his horde. The guy on the outside gets killed by zombies. Kurt fights back and still tries to kill more zombies, but a giant zombie chokeslams him and Kurt gets killed.
That Giant Zombie Is Of Course Sylvester Terkay Who You May As The Bodyguard Of The Bong From Evil Bong. The Director Thought It Would Be Funny To Have Terkay Be The One To Cause Kurt’s Demise Since He Lost To Kurt In The Finals Of The 1992 NCAA Division I Heavyweight Tournament.
Angus leads his zombie horde into the arena as they attack the wrestlers.
Tim Hoss: Oh my god…zombies have shown up at this event!Jessie King: Angus told us he had some surprises waiting, but I didn’t expect zombies to show up.
Tim Hoss: This is so unfair, Jessie…how can our wrestlers have any chance against people that are already dead and can feel no pain.
Jesse King: That’s not my concern, Hoss.
Tim Hoss: Jessie, these are zombies. Normal wrestling rules don’t apply when facing the undead.
Tim Hoss: I have a feeling he doesn’t even know that these are real zombies.
Jessie King: Well, if that is the case…I have a feeling he is going to find that out the hard way.
Jessie King: Yes, it is….and I’m loving it.
Jessie King: Screw you, Tim…this is perfect!
Jessie King: What business does Piper have getting involved with Kurt Angle
Tim Hoss: Shane Douglas is his friend. He has to make sure Shane doesn’t get killed out there and looking at Kurt, I don’t think he cares if he kills Shane.
Jessie King: Well, if you look at Piper’s punches…it doesn’t look like they are doing any good.
Jessie King: Add one more to the zombie horde!
Jessie King: Why?
Tim Hoss: Because Kurt is part of the undead. Undead people need more than one person to take care of them.
Jessie King: Triple teaming a zombie…that is wrong!
Tim Hoss: Well as Kurt Angle leaves the ring, we may need to get out of here!
Jessie King: Why? This might be getting better.
Tim Hoss: Well, think about this. If all the wrestlers die, who do you think the zombies are going to go after next? It won’t be Angus as he leads them.
Jessie King: Holy crap…you may be right. Let’s get the hell out of here!
*Tim Hoss and Jessie King run away.*
Guys…dammit. Alright, back to the review. Angus comes in and reveals that he has turned Shane’s family into zombies and Shane is heartbroken by it. Shane, Roddy, and Jim find away to get out of the ring and past the row of zombies. They join Taya, Sarah, Serena, Marcus, and Greg as they run away. Façade does a few special moves and he joins them too. Angus and Zombie Barbara enter the ring as Angus gloats over his horde.
Oh Yeah…This Is Awesome. All Of These Zombies And They Are Under My Control!
As the wrestlers run, Greg grabs a zombie and rips him in half.
Yes, They Had Sex During The Entire Zombie Attack
Roddy yells at him and tells him what he missed so he gets serious about the situation. Shane goes and yells at Marcus because he believes his boss set him up with this attack. Roddy tries to calm him down, but Shane is furious. Sarah shows up with the sides of her dress cut so she can move around easier…and also the director liked the Chun Li look. She tells them if they are ready to use their rage on someone other than each other and if they are, they might need to listen to her. Shane wonders who she thinks she is.
So She Drop Toe Holds Shane And Threatens Him With A Machete To His Neck
Roddy calms her down and says that they all need to work together, which both agree on. But Shane mutters that “this isn’t over, bitch.” Roddy wonders what happened with him and Angus and Shane reveals that he accidentally killed his brother in the ring. They find the weapons locker and get ready to fight back. They then talk about what to do next and Sarah reveals that she saw a secret path that they can use. Unfortunately, Greg volunteers to stay behind to try and hold the door. He fails and dies.
All The While Yelling “Reboot” Because You Know, He Thought This Was All A Video Game
And of course as they use this escape hole, it turns out that Matt Hardy gets separated from the others. Matt Hardy gets attacked by zombies.
Had To Use A Ladder Because He & His Brother Are Known For Ladders
And He Chokeslams A Zombie Through A Table
He Also Fist Drops A Zombie’s Brains Out With His Fist Wrapped In A Chain
Matt reunites with the others, but of course, despite wearing a shirt that says Stronger Than Death, gets ripped in half by zombies.
Of Course, He Also Was Put In A Corner Because They Were On A Low Budget To Keep His Lower Torso Invisible.
Reby tries to will Matt alive, but Matt turns into a zombie and bites Reby.
Let’s See If You Are Stronger Than My 2x4!
Reby wakes up wanting brains, but Sarah kills her with his machete.
So Long, Hacksaw….Send The 2x4 To Charity
Then Shane Douglas turns heel on Façade where he kicks him out of a cell he originally was going to share with him. And his excuse?
Shane Douglas: Jobbers Die…Not Main Eventers
We then get more scenes of Façade doing flippy moves to fight the zombies. Shane Douglas offscreen meets back up with Taya and reveals that it was because of her making out with Billy that caused him to kill him.
Yep….Shane Douglas Broke Billy’s Neck On Purpose
Taya is disgusted and leaves him. Taya meets with the others and reveals Shane’s revelation. Piper doesn’t believe it at first, but she says why Shane did it and Roddy is just dumbfounded. Sarah says it doesn’t matter what happened as they need to continue to find a way out. Shane goes a monitoring room and he smiles as he sees Façade getting killed.
Yep….Piper Hits A Zombie Over The Head With A Coconut
Zombie Thomas Rodman shows up.
He Bites A Zombie (A Reversal Of Zombie Tropes Where The Zombie Bites The Person)After Locking Zombie Rodman With The Pencil, He Jokes About This Being The First Time He Ever Had The Pencil (A Joke About Him Always Signing Stuff With A Pen)
Taya, Serena, and Marcus separate from Sarah and when they get surrounded by zombies, Marcus plays douchebag and uses the two women as meat shields so he can survive by climbing over the zombies eating the other two.
Yep….For Being An Important Character To The Story, Taya Really Gets An Undignified Death, With It Being Off-Screen.
Sarah kills more zombies in her path and after a few minutes, Marcus is cornered and he tries to drop money for the zombies.
Yeah, Zombies Don’t Need Cash
He is cornered and killed.
Piper opens a door and sees Zombie Hacksaw.
That 2x4 Still Needs To Be Donated
Piper runs into Sarah and they hug. Shane Douglas runs into Angus and Angus laughs about his predicament. Shane tries to say he didn’t mean to kill Billy, but Angus doesn’t buy it. And then Shane laughs, beats his chest, and says he did it on purpose.
Moments Like These Show Why Shane Isn’t A Very Good Actor
Angus then sends the zombies after him and Shane talks about how the zombies can’t deal with a franchise, tells them to come and get him, and then runs away.
Basically Shane Bravely Ran Away
After that, Sarah and Roddy look on from above as Angus does another sacrificial ceremony.
Here Angus gets another bound and gagged woman (this one with no name and is Blonde), rips up her blouse so we can see her bra and then kills her with the dagger.
More Eating Of Pig Hearts
The woman becomes Zombie Blonde and now Angus has two female zombie lieutenants. Piper and Sarah confront Angus. Piper yells at Angus for all of this, but Sarah grabs him and they keep moving as Angus has his zombie horde follow.
And somehow they are now outside…
No, Seriously…Everyone Is Outside.
This is at the point where you just give up on this film having any sense of how people get anywhere. Shane Douglas is also outside and he is getting chased by zombies. Roddy and Sarah also are getting chased by zombies.
Oh Hey, Look…It’s A Town Where There Is Public. Might Want To Go There…
Yeah, that isn’t happening.
Roddy and Sarah get to the flagpole and they have to start killing zombies. After killing a bunch, we get a promo war between Angus and Roddy Piper. Angus says that attack is only the beginning. Roddy Piper then gives a speech about how he beat cancer (he did) and this is nothing. Angus says that he is better than Piper and Roddy responds by saying he doesn’t die for some weekend warrior. Roddy spits on the ground and tells Angus that he is an Icon and he can ask Hogan. Angus demands more power and the ghostly body of Tez says that it is granted.
Nice Contacts There, Tez
So we get confederate zombies.
Not Joking. Also Little Known Fact: Roddy Piper’s Great-Great Grandfather Was The First Secretary Of State For The Confederate States Of America.
Sarah starts worrying if they are going to make it and Piper tells her that the shameful part is not getting knocked down, but getting knocked down and not getting up again. Piper goes to see if he can find a path and gets immediately attacked by zombies. It seems Roddy is going to die, but Sarah yells at the zombies to come after her. Sarah gets a few kills in, but she gets ganged up by the zombies. She screams for Piper and Roddy comes to save her ass. Heck, a zombie even bites Piper.
Angus interrupts, saying that Shane deserves to die. Shane goes to kick Angus’ ass, but he gets interrupted by the zombiefied family members. Each family member he has to kill, it just breaks Shane’s heart even more and eventually after killing his nephew, he doesn’t have the heart to kill his mom so Piper has to do it. Shane sends Piper away and The Franchise gets surrounded by zombies. He gets put on the flagpole and Angus wraps a chain around Douglas’ neck.
She then kills Zombie Greg Grove.
Don’t Know Why This Would Kill Her, But It Does
This being one of the two people whose heart Angus ate, this hurts Tez.
Or He Has The Worst Case Of Brain Freeze
Roddy realizes killing these two is hurting Angus’ powers so he tells Sarah to kill Zombie Barbara. Zombie Barbara then bites Sarah.
That kills Zombie Barbara and that completely fucks up the power Angus has over the zombies as they fall. Sarah also falls over due to the bite on her neck. Angus is not done yet and still tells Piper that his time is over. Piper says that he is just the All-American Bully and he hates bullies. Piper then says that Angus makes them, but Roddy breaks them. Angus tries to attack Piper, but Roddy quickly kicks his ass.
Piper Then Kills Him With Angus’ Own Cane
This also defeats Tez, who disappears into smoke and fire.
Matt Hardy and Reby Sky ended up getting married and had a son. Matt would also get back in good graces in TNA and would win the world title at their biggest show of the year in his hometown, before having to relinquish the title two days later due to chicanery. Hacksaw Jim Duggan has signed on with Global Force Wrestling to help promote the talent and shows. Shane Douglas’ federation Extreme Rising went out of business a few months after this film was filmed and is said to be looking to try again at creating a new fed. But I guess we have to talk again about Roddy Piper. A year after this film was released, Piper died in his home from a heart attack. He is missed by many in the movie community and even more in the wrestling community. He is also survived by his wife, his four kids, and his four grandkids.
Well, this movie is obviously a mess. I’ve heard the director on his commentary try to defend this film, but even he cannot explain enough the enormous plot holes this film has. He tried to make this a satirical comedy, but sadly it is not really that funny with too many damn in-jokes that a common viewer would not get. Piper is also easily the best actor of the wrestlers and considering that pro wrestlers are supposed to be actors too…that is definitely saying something. I’m sorry, but I can only recommend watching this once if you are curious. Other than that, this will go into the pile of Troma films that I do not like.
And now that we are done with that, Happy Halloween and before NegaSeth gets in here to be a pri…
Don’t even think of finishing that line.
Of course you would come in here at this time. So I know why you’re here so tell me what the next movie is going to be.
If it wasn’t for what the fans picked for your leftovers, I would be upset that you are trying to take the joy of me torturing you. Enjoy the snoozefest of this.