Saturday, October 29, 2016

Monster Crap Inductee: Jaws 3 (1983)

Monster Crap Inductee: Jaws 3
A Hokey New Attraction


It has been a long time coming, but we are here with our 150th induction and considering how far my sanity has been pushed at times, it is a huge surprise I have made it this far without quitting. I mean, when I have had to deal with villains who starve babies to death and being allowed to live in the end, as well as studios making a mockery of your favorite film with a shitty prequel, I probably should have quit. But no, because despite all the complete garbage and complete questioning of Hollywood, I get stuff likes sharks in tornadoes, killer turkeys, little creatures being goofy, space chickens that are made out of space pollen, monsters shooting killer rainbows out of their back, funny ass killer leprechauns, a shark-octopus hybrid getting overshadowed by Eric Roberts in a boat with some booze, birds that look like complete puppets, as well as so many other things that make this hobby/job so much fun.

Which brings us to what has been chosen for the 150th induction, the film that was the film that my 8th induction Jaws: The Revenge basically omitted from the Jaws continuity and considering that I definitely made sure to induct Jaws: The Revenge first, you can obviously see what I thought of that piece of crap. But because Jaws: The Revenge was way worse, it doesn’t exactly mean that Jaws 3 was good. In fact, Jaws 3 was rather hokey and it definitely looks worse now than it did back in 1983. 

So why was Jaws 3 so much of a hokey experience? Well….a letter/number combo can definitely answer that question, which is 3D.  You see, back in the late 70s/early 80s, there was a resurgence in 3D and specifically in 1983, there was three horror films that were on their third film and were all given the 3D treatment because of it, which Jaws 3 was one of. But unlike today, where 3D is a lot better, early 3D involved was anaglyph, which mean you had to have these special glasses (normally made of cheap cardboard and some small blue and red filter strips) to see these films and if you didn’t have these things to see the films, they were completely unwatchable. But the good part is that if you had the glasses, things would seem like they were popping out of the screen, which in some ways, was fun. But unfortunately, it was a gimmick and like all gimmicks, they would die. And when stuff had to get made onto video, the 3D would have to disappear because you couldn’t put 3D on VHS so you would have the goofy effects meant for 3D, but instead they would just be goofy in 2D, which ruined things.

But enough of 3D, let’s look at the film itself. After the huge success of Jaws and the sort of lesser success of Jaws 2, Jaws 3 was put into production and originally, it was going to be a complete spoof like National Lampoon films and be called Jaws 3, People 0. Now as much as an awesome and fun potential idea that could be….it was killed by the company that I have hated so many times in Universal Studios because there were some gentlemen running them with sticks up their ass who thought spoofing their own property would “fouling in their own nest”. The directing duties were first offered to an experimental film director in Murray Lerner, but he hated the script and with an art director in place, he declined which was probably for the best since the last time an experimental film director was given a sequel to a film that wasn’t experimental, we got Exorcist II: The Heretic.

The Less Said About That Garbage, The Better

So the film directing instead went to Joe Alves, who was production designer for the first two films and was second unit director in Jaws 2. Richard Matheson also had wrote an interesting script, but his script was changed to include the two Brody sons (because Roy Scheider made damn sure he would not be available as he immediately signed up for Blue Thunder so they wouldn’t bother him about the idea so Chief Brody was out) and Matheson’s idea about the shark being the same shark that was electrocuted in Jaws 2 was also declined. The script advisors also messed with the script so Matheson was once again screwed by Hollywood. As for actors, they got a very young Dennis Quaid, who was in The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia and the comedy Caveman to star as Mike Brody. They also got Beth Armstrong to be the female lead as she had just been nominated for a Saturn Award for Best Actress in High Road To China. We also got Simon McCorkindale (who at the same year was in a show Brad Jones (who plays the Cinema Snob) loves in Manimal).

He Also Somehow Found His Ass In The Terrible Wing Commander Movie Too, But I Wont Hold That Too Much Against Him

And finally, they got Louis Gossett Jr, who had just won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for Gunnery Sgt. Emil Foley in An Officer And A Gentlemen.

Nothing More To Say About Him Other Than He Is A Great Actor And I Really Wish He Was Still In Mainstream Films

As far as other people besides McCorkindale who were in films I had inducted previously, we had Barbara Quinn (who was the Sheriff’s Girl in Squirm), and that’s about it. So with that all done, let’s get to inducting this hokey film.

We start from a viewpoint from the bottom of the ocean and we see that we are in first person view of something, most likely the shark, when suddenly this grouper gets eaten.

Complete With Crunch Sound

And A Decapitated Fish Head For The 3D Audience, Looking As Dumbfounded As Anyone Watching This Without 3D Glasses, Which Is Me.

We then get the title card.

Which Decides It Wants To Be Iceman From Top Gun

After the credits, we then see that the shark is looking at a water ski team.

This ski team is practicing a double pyramid move and…

Holy Crap….That Is Lea Thompson From The Back To The Future Series

And not only is that Lea Thompson from the Back To The Future Series, but this is Lea Thompson’s theatrical feature debut. In fact, the only thing Lea Thompson did before this was a video for an Interactive VHS Game called MurderDisc: Murder, Anyone? So yes, before Lea Thompson was playing a mom from the past who had the hots for her futuristic son or a rocker having feelings for a fucking duck…

Someday, Howard…..I Will Induct Your Sorry Ass Into Monster Crap. Someday…

Before all of that, she was in Jaws 3 so interesting way to start off your career, Ms. Thompson. And not only that, but after Jaws 3, she actually was engaged to the star of this film Dennis Quaid for 3 years so we may have had another situation where people meet their significant other in Monster Crap (Others being Robert Englund when he directed 976-EVIL and Reb Brown when I think he met his wife in Space Mutiny…proving that even the worst of movies in your filmography may have some huge positive come out of them).

But back to the movie and as they are practicing, we see them getting ogled by mechanic Shelby Overman.

Who Has An Awesome 80s Mustache

As the skier fall over, you might be expecting our killer shark to eat one of them, but you would be wrong as this shark is patient and a meal like this would be too easy. So we have a moment where the skiers get ready to try again with their pyramid move and enter the lagoon, the engine drowns out and takes a few minutes to get started again. The shark camera gets close to them, but the engine starts and they get going.

Meanwhile, we see that this lagoon is part of an all new Sea World theme park that is being opened up called Sea World Undersea Kingdom.

And Just In Case You Read This Many Years Later And Sea World No Longer Exists, Yes…We Did Have An Attraction That Had Killer Whales (Most Famously Shamu) As Attractions And We Now Realize How Stupid That Was For The Health Of These Animals Thanks To Documentaries Like Blackfish. Think Of These Like The Old Tent Circuses That Became Obsolete Due To The Mistreatment In Animals In Those. We Know Now That It Was A Bad Idea, But Back Then We May Have Been A Bit Blind.

Moving on from the Sea World thing, we also notice that the Sea World guides are getting trained and told that if they hike up their shorts anymore then they are now, they will get fired because they made sure that you have to be modest, but not too modest enough to wear pants in the hot sun, although if you are wearing a costume, good luck to your ass in that heat magnet.

We also learn more about this attraction which has the main attraction of allowing you to go underwater via tunnels in this man made lagoon, which is connected to the ocean by a channel (which we saw the gate to). We then meet Calvin Bouchard, who is the owner and entrepreneur to this whole attraction. 

Who Is Looking At The Ski Team Enter The Lagoon Through His Binoculars.

As the gates start closing, our shark enters the lagoon before it closes and its bumping of the gates causes it to be stuck.

In The 80s, Even Killer Sharks Wanted To Be Part Of The Majesty That Was Sea World

They decide that they need to get Mike Brody up here, who is the chief engineer of this Sea World park. Calvin looks at his ski team and calls them his pride and joy. And personally, it is at this point that I start noticing that the quality of this film has not aged very well to DVD, which may also be because this film was completely first shot in 3D and then had to be reconfigured to a 2D version.

Calvin tells the media that he will be welcoming celebrity hunter Phillip Fitzroyce, which considering that Sea World was meant to be a place of the conservation of sea ligfe, that doesn’t seem like the best PR move now, but again…this is the 80s. Then Mr. Bouchard invites all the media members to join him at the bar for drinks and assures them that the drinks are free. Of course, the media people follow him because who wouldn’t pass up a free drink.

Back at the gate, Shelby (after an underwater inspection) tells Mike Brady that the gate somehow got off the track so it is going to need to be fixed.

Yes, I Know This Is A Very Rushed Way To Introduce The Main Character Of This Film, Mike Brody…Who Is The Now Grown Up Older Son Of The Main Character In The First Two Jaws Films Chief Brody, But Pacing Could Be Another Of This Film’s Issues.

In fact, based on how most 80s films went at the time, you would believe that our main characters were either Calvin Bouchard or Shelby Overman, but you would know by the Brody name that he has to be the main character and as far as Shelby is concerned, well, you’ll have to see for yourself why he isn’t the main character. Anyway, Mike just wants the damn gate fixed and he leaves them because Mike has his own things to do.

Elsewhere, one of the workers Dan notices that the dolphins are trying to get out of the gate again. Mike passes him by and looks for Kay, who Dan says is with Shamu. On Mike’s way, he also runs into Liz, who is training two dolphins named Cindy and Sandy.

Mike asks the same question he asked Dan and Liz tells him the same freaking answer. This whole scene with Cindy and Sandy is just to introduce them as they will be integral to the plot later, but unfortunately it is at the expense of making Mike look like an idiot for forgetting the answer to a question he just asked a few seconds earlier. So we finally meet Kay and Shamu.

Kay Is Obviously Mike’s Girlfriend Based On How They Interact While Shamu Is Just Here For His Two Scene Appearance To Prove That They Are At A Sea World.

Mike reveals that he wants to take Kay to dinner with him to pick up his brother Sean, who will be arriving at the gate. Dan and Liz tell Kay that it seems that Cindy and Sandy don’t want to go in the lagoon at all, even though they need to do so to get some exercise. Mike asks if he is going to lose Kay to a bunch of neurotic fish and Kay has to remind him that dolphins are mammals, which since Mike also realized is mistake shows that Mike thinking that whales are mammals may be a regular occurrence. Kay just says on the Cindy and Sandy situation that if the two dolphins don’t want to do their play time, then they will have to learn they can’t pick and choose so put them back in their pens. Kay tells Mike that she accepts his request to join her for dinner. Mike makes a joke about it being sushi, but Kay just looks at him in annoyance for that.

Kay May Be Asking If Shamu Is A Good Boy Here, But Shamu May Be Looking At His Watch And Wondering When His Scene Ends So He Can Go Back To Doing Whatever Orcas Do.

We then meet celebrity hunter Phillip Fitzroyce as he is greeted by clapping from the media and a handshake from his good friend and owner of this Sea World Calvin Bouchard. Phillip also has with him his friend Jack Tate

Fitzroyce reveals that he is just hear to document the events of this Sea World opening for his friend Calvin. It is also hear that they meet Sean Brody.

They greet each other and Mike makes a joke about Sean putting on a shave for the appearance. We hear that Sean is in the Midwest and got a C in physic while in college. As the sun sets, Shelby decides that he is going to fix the gate while everyone else has clocked out for the day. You can kind of see where this is going before I even finish, but I will anyway. He does get the gate closed and locked, but after on the third time he looks to see what is behind him, he gets eaten.

Another Shot For Those In 3D So It Can Look Like A Decapitated Hand Is About To Hit You In The Face

And you can see why I told you to not really believe that Shelby would be a main character at all since he is the first human dead. We also see the gate move, but it doesn’t open meaning that the shark now realizes that he can’t back out the way he came.

Dammit…I Knew I Made A Wrong Turn At Albuquerque

At the bar, a waitress who is obviously Shelby’s live-in girlfriend Charlene asks where Shelby is and Mike has no idea. We also see that Charlene has suspicion that Shelby might be messing around with “that little bitch at the souvenirs stand”. We also see that Kelly Ann (played by Lea Thompson) is doing pretty well at the game of Stand Off, which is basically a balance game, and since Sean says he is the champ at this, he decides to make the next challenge.

They both have a bit of stalemate until Sean makes Kelly believe that his fly is open. Kelly looks and Sean uses this distraction to push her down, winning the game. Kelly doesn’t like this cheating move, but thinks Sean is cute so she joins Sean for beers with Mike and Kay. It is obviously via conversation that Kelly is into Sean.

That night, two guys sneak into the lagoon with a raft to steal some coral since it pays good money now and since now there is news of the Great Barrier Reef being officially considered dead by scientists due to bleaching thanks to warmer temperatures, this may be cheap coral these days, but back in the 80s, this may have been a bit more expensive.

And we get another 3D shot.

Oh No….Some Plant May Poke Us In The Eye

We also get to see some other animals here like.

Lobsters (Or Crabs, Can’t 100% Tell)


And Oh No….Frogs!!!! Sam Elliot Isn’t Gonna Be Able To Save Our Asses From Them

Meanwhile at the beaches of the yet to be opened Sea World park, we learn that Sean hates the water via a bad experience. It honestly is very good continuity since in Jaws 2, Chief Brody had to save Sean from a shark attack while he was a boat with his friends (several of whom died including his girlfriend) so you could expect Sean has some scars about going in the water again (heck, he goes to school in Colorado). Hey, it’s better than in Jaws: The Revenge (the film that says Jaws 3 didn’t count in canon) where Sean was a sheriff and was on the water without any fears only just so he could get eaten by the shark that wanted to kill all the Brodys for some reason.

Still Havent Forgotten The Stupidity Of That Film

We also learn that Mike got a job in Venezuela for a year and a half, but it would mean that he might be separate from Kay, who needs to stay here for six more months and is looking at a job at the Scripps Institute. Mike half casually makes a joke about giving up her dreams to follow him, which she laughs off as she knows he isn’t serious about that. When Kay wonders what they are going to do, Mike just says they should just enjoy the time they have.

Also, we see Sean playfully chasing Kelly through the sands and Kelly is surprisingly able to get Sean to enter the water so they can make out. Unfortunately for them, they get caught and pranked by Mike and Kay, who act like cops with a bullhorn.

Meanwhile, one of the two intruders goes underwater while the other one stays up with a rope to the bucket that he can pull up quickly and make sure they don’t get busted. Unfortunately the diver gets killed by the shark in a scene that we never see and just disappears, which the other intruder being curious where he is and falls in the water himself as the rope was pulled by the shark.

The lookout man immediately puts his head up, only to get dragged down and killed by the shark (we can only assume because we never see the shark killing him).

Which Is Fine Since For Most Of The Attacks In The Original Jaws, You Never Saw The Shark And That Scared People.

But then we get the dumb as the shark decides to destroy the raft too just to make sure there is no evidence.

You Saw Nothing…

The next morning, Sean is dealing with a hangover while Mike and Kay are getting ready for work.

And Mike Likes To Feed The Dog On The Counter

Don’t Even Think I Will Do That For You.

There is a small issue of Kay and Mike not knowing which beeper is which so they just choose one because it doesn’t matter, I guess. We then go back to Sea World as both Cindy and Sandy do flips. That’s when Phillip shows up. They of course have met before at a Save The Whales Conference in Helsinki, where Kay somehow made Phillip a hero. Kay then wonders why he did ram that Japanese Whaler. Phillip admits he didn’t do it for any pure reason and instead just did it because the boat got in his way and ruined his best shot. He offers to take her out for drinks, but she says drinks isn’t a behavior that she does.

Mike wants to talk to Kay, but gets interrupted by Charlene who throws a bag full of Shelby’s clothes at him, telling Mike that she is dumping Shelby as he never came home last night. Mike then reveals that he never came to work either so he figured he was just hung over at home. Kay asks what is going on and Mike says that Shelby is AWOL again, which means he has done this before. Of course it starts not making sense that he would do that because he left behind his passport, credit cards, and ID.

Hand That Credit Card To Me, Sugar.

Hell no, Dixie…you are already getting sued for maxing out one credit card company with your debt, TNA doesn’t need another lawsuit as you already have tax issues with Tennessee. You fix your shit or you go bankrupt. Now don’t bother another one of my inductions again.

Back to the film, they all just assume that Shelby is just curled up drunk somewhere since they really don’t want to fear the worst right now. So they go into the submersible to check for Shelby…in the bottom of the LAGOON. Okay, if your first place to look is in the bottom of the lagoon, you definitely assume he is dead (from drowning, at least). It’s like someone going missing in a dungeon, assuming they are alright, but the first place you look is in the pit of spikes.

While in the submersible, Cindy and Sandy show up, trying to get Mike and Kay to turn around and go back as something in the water is dangerous in their minds. Mike radios control that they are heading to the Spanish Galleon part of the park to check for Mike.

Well, Somebody Fucked Up That Visual Effect Because You Can Tell That The Submersible Isn’t Really There.

Mike then says that he was told that Shelby went to fix the gate alone and said that if anything were to happen to him, he would wind up here because of the currents. Well, I guess we definitely are assuming the man with the awesome mustache is dead. Kay asks about the filtration tanks, but Mike says that is impossible as it is too strong a current going out instead of in. Remember that for later.

Then We Have Another 3D Effect Where Oscar The Fake Skeleton Sticks His Arm At The Camera.

Mike and Kay decide to get out of the submersible to see if Shelby’s body was in the Spanish Galleon structure. The dolphins once again try to get them to go away, but the humans are persistent. They don’t find Shelby, but they do find a great white shark.

Dammit Shark, You Are Destroying Part Of The Structure!!!!

Mike and Kay decide that with a great white shark in the water, they may want to get the hell out of there so they ride the dolphins back to shore, despite leaving a probably expensive submersible behind. They get out and have the two assistants Dan and Liz close the cage so the shark can’t get at the dolphins. In the restaurant, Calvin is dining with Phillip and Jack, when he gets told about what happened so he has the hunter and his assistant come with him as this doesn’t constitute as rather important to interrupt this meal.

When showing Calvin the damage to the cage the shark caused, Phillip gets an idea that he thinks might be to the benefit of this place. He wants to broadcast on National TV, him hunting and killing this great white live. Once again, this was the 80s and not now as this would never be allowed because of the PR nightmare Sea World would suffer (and Sea World already has enough bad PR as is). Calvin considers the idea, but Kay thinks this is a terrible idea and says they should try and capture the shark instead, using the idea of having the first ever live great white in captivity as persuasion. Calvin goes with that idea instead.

Now one problem with her idea is that this would be the first white shark in captivity as it has been fucking tried 2 years before this move was made by Sea World in 1981 and they had to release it after 16 days because the damn thing wouldn’t eat in captivity. And that wasn’t even the first attempt as 1955 with Marineland and because of the same issues, they had to release it in less than a day. In 2004, Monterey Bay Aquarium in California exhibited a great white shark for 198 days and were able to actually able to feed it in captivity, but the shark killed two other sharks so they had to release it. In Japan, they tried this recently, but again…the shark wouldn’t eat and it died.

So they set up injections for the shark to be tranquilized with and try their plan in the middle of the night, probably the worst time to try this idea because of visibility.

And Phillip Is Purposefully Wearing That Color Because He Does Want The Shark To Get Close To Him.

Kay of course has a rather steel chain overcoat to her jump suit and Phillip assures Mike that the only thing that she would feel is a little squeeze. Mike wonders why she needs to do this and Kay reminds Mike that it is her job as a senior marine biologist to take care of this type of capture. Kay then reminds Mike of the deal that he builds the stuff and she swims around in it. Phillip tries to bring grenades in case they get into a pinch, but everyone tells him no on that one as it would damage the structure of the lagoon.

So they all finally go into the water as Kay reveals she needs one clean belly shot and if she misses, she will have to reload and hopefully make it the next time. Everyone seems to be in position, but the shark decides to change things up by attacking Kay directly from behind.

A Pearl Harbor Job There

Phillip immediately has to go into action and uses his knife to stab the shark, merely getting it to let go of Kay and try to go after him. Kay goes up and tells Mike that the shark is making a run and Mike has a harpoon gun with a rope, which he shoots at the shark.

And Right At The Audience Too If This Was In 3D

He gets the shark’s fin with the harpoon and the fact the shark has to pull the rope does help the shark slow down and Kay is able to hit the shark with the needle to tranquilize it.

They check on Kay, but Kay is more concerned with the fact that they got the shark. So they get the shark while Mike tells Calvin through the radio that everyone is okay, but Calvin is more concerned with the film being okay since Jake was filming this whole capture. Phillip assures Calvin that the film is fine. Of course this being Louis Gossett Jr. as the boss, they makes fun talk with Mike saying it looked dangerous down there and Mike saying it looked dangerous from down here too, both with smiles.

They load the shark into the tank and Kay says they may have to stay all night getting the shark guiding the shark so it keeps swimming while it is knocked out. Both Kay and Lizzy guide the shark so it can keep swimming as Mike comes in to talk to Kay how he is lonely. She says she is sorry and Mike looks at the shark, calling it a damn mammal. Kay then laughingly says this one is actually a fish. Mike says okay and jumps into the tank as well and one big problem you see is this tank is 3 or 4 feet high. Yeah, Great Whites will need more space than that. Kay remarks that this is the first time Mike has done her work with her. Mike responds that maybe she could do his work with him and weld some steel when the shark wakes up and they have to get out of the tank before it attacks. Out of the tank, they are all amazed at how quickly that shark can wake up and since it is the only one in captivity, Kay wants everyone to keep it alive.

It’s now opening day of Sea World and everyone is excited, even Shamu.

Yay….It’s My Last Day Of Shooting And For All Of You, Here Is Me Coming At You In 3D

We also see Phillip taking pictures through dangerous means.

Christ, Man….The Picture Isn’t That Damn Important

We then go to Mike with Calvin and some other guy where he talks about where they were when the shark showed up because yes, people…despite the find of a great white, they are still looking for poor Shelby. Calvin asks about the filtration pipes and once again, Mike has got to say that the current would be too strong for his body to end up there. Oh yeah and despite all of this time, they still think Shelby is alive as Calvin says he is fired and Mike tries to convince Calvin against that as Shelby is a good man. Calvin says then he will hold Mike responsible even though 1) Shelby is most likely dead and 2) even if he was alive, Calvin is at this point within his damn right to fire the man for no-showing.

As Calvin is leaving, he gets word that there sales are better than any of their other parks. Calvin decides that with this big day, they should put the great white shark on display in one of their pools. Now I have been to Sea World several times and putting that display pool is a terrible fucking idea as those pools are only a few feet deep, which is shallow water and great whites rarely are in shallow water unless they are really desperate in their hunting. Even the assistant thinks this is a bad idea as they thought they were going to wait for Kay’s word for when that is ready, but Calvin says he is the boss so his word is the last word and he will be in line to see it before 3 pm.

We then get more Sea World highlights from their shows as we get back to the story with Sean meeting Kelly after her act and since her next show isn’t for a while, they decide to spend some time together…on the bumper boats, which Sean is kinda iffy on. Yeah, just because he ignored his fear for a bit of nookie (even if it was ruined by Mike), phobias like that are still not completely gone so you can understand his concern for this ride.

Meanwhile, some people go to the attraction of the Undersea Kingdom, where they go into glass tunnels to see how things are underwater.

My Tongue Is Comin’ At You People In 3D!!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Also some of it is like a fun house where stuff pops up to scare you.

Like This Fake Moray Eel

Or These Octopus Tentacles That Would Be In Japan, The Start Of Some Hentai Scene With Creeper Davey Jones

Hey! I Take Offense To That!

And You May Get The Start Of That Hentai Scene, In 3D. Maybe It Is Ursula

Okay, Okay....It Isn't Ursula. Lord Knows It Don't Need To Turn Into Whatever She Turns Those She Hates Into. 


Well...I Got Better

Mike and Kay feed the porpoise and talk about how they will miss each other when Mike moves to Venezuela. Mike also says they will need to have a serious talk about their relationship in the future and Kay knows. Mike gets called to work and Kay gets word through the PA that the great white is being shown in a display tank.

We go to the display tank and Kay runs in not happy about this, but her assistant said it was Calvin’s call and there was nothing he could do. So the great white is brought to the display tank and despite the best efforts of Kay and her assistant, the great white does what most great whites have done in captivity (or in this shallow ass pool) and dies.

Well, You’ve Fucked Up, Calvin And Now Children Who Saw This Atrocity Will Be Scarred. Thank God This Wasn’t Real Life Or That Documentary Blackfish Would Have More Ammo For Their Anti-Sea World Message.

Kay despondently tells Phillip to photograph it for his kill, even though he was merely there to try and comfort her about the whole bad luck. We then go back to Sean still being hesitant on the bumper boats, but Kelly tells him to trust her and they decide to go in a boat together.

And That Is The Wrong Way To Ride A Bumper Boat, Kelly. You Work Here, You Should Know That.

Then we go back to the Undersea Kingdom attraction and the girls we have been following through this attraction get a scare that isn’t part of it.

Shelby’s Half Eaten Corpse

Oh and some asshole pushes a girl into the glass near the body.

How About A Little Glass Action For The Dead Corpse?? It Was Probably His Last Wish To Get Some Action.

Kay and Mike go to a place where they are holding Shelby’s body that they have gotten out of the water off-screen and both look at the body.

They are both horrified and Kay makes the shocking discovery that the bite radius means whatever did this could not be the great white that they captured (and accidentally killed), but its mother. While yes, another great white is a definite, how do you know that the killer shark is its mother? The answer of course is just because.

Back at the HQ, they get some contradictory readings from filtration pumps with some blockage that is in Filtration Pump 2. Calvin’s decision when he gets word of it is to close Pump 2 and just open Pump 1 to get whatever is in there out of it. And that proves to be a bad idea as Pump 2 is where the bigger great white is hiding, so shutting it down means that it has to leave to keep itself alive.

Calvin also wants Brody down there on the double for some reason. They really didn’t have to ask as Kay and Mike tell Calvin of their discovery. Calvin just thinks that the mother must have gave birth way out to sea and is still out there, which is impossible because Shelby was killed inside the lagoon. And they don’t have to argue anymore as the big great white just shows up to confirm their suspicions.

Hi. Yeah, I’m In This Lagoon And Since You Made Me Leave My Abode, I’m Gonna Make You Leave Yours Because Fair Is Fair

Mike realizes that people are in the lagoon on rides and shows so he and Kay try to get them out while Calvin gets on the telephone, demanding that people in the Undersea Kingdom attraction tunnels get out. We then go to shows and Mike after a few minutes demands everyone to get out of the water because there is dangerous shark in it. Of course the shark’s fin also shows up so you don’t have to tell people twice.

Oh and the shark goes to the bumper boats, this fucking asshole knocks Sean and Kelly into the water.

The shark attacks Kelly, but Sean, Phillip, and Jack are able to save her by getting her to shore, but Kelly is badly injured.

Oh and the fat ass who knocked them in the water in the first place? Nothing happens to him as he is never brought up again so you get no karmic justice for this situation. Kay gets told that Cindy and Sandy are still out there, but she says they will have to fend for themselves because they can’t take any chances in leaving any of the gates open. Sean goes with Kelly in the ambulance and that is all for him in this film.

Calvin then gets on the PA speaker and tells those in the tunnels that they need to leave as the park will be closed temporarily due to technical difficulties. A guide tries to get a group out in an orderly fashion, but the great white shows its ugly head and attacks one of the tubes.

Because of the flooding caused by this, a certain section of the park gets sealed off, leaving a group trapped, although the water wont flow any higher for them so getting sick may be the only problem.

Yep….I Don’t Think Any Of These People Are Ever Going Back To This Park Ever Again. Although I Got Stuck Upside Down On That Swinging Pirate Ship Ride Called The Berzerker For 5 Minutes Due To Technical Difficulties The First Time I Went To Kings Dominion And I Went Back So Who Knows?

Well, I stand corrected because I forgot that with a tight space, there is no oxygen so they need to conserve the air they have. This means that it will be very valuable to somehow go in the lagoon and fix the tubes, but with the shark also in there, someone will have to get the beast out of the way. But we have to now find out about Mike and Kay’s relationship as Kay decides that she may follow Mike to Venezuela as they may need someone to train some whales. And next year, Mike have to follow her back to her studies at the Scripps Institute, which Mike easily agrees to.

Calvin’s assistant tells the press that Calvin is busy supervising the rescue of the people trapped in that section of the Undersea Kingdom so he will not be here for this statement. He also reveal that seven people were injured in the beach area. He then says that is all for now and will tell the press anything, when he gets word of it. Meanwhile in the trapped section, the guide to this group gets them to calm down and form into a bunch to keep warm.

That night, Phillip forms a plan that he and Jack will go into one of the filtration tanks and lure the shark there, hoping to kill it in the crowded tank. Meanwhile, Mike will go to the glass tunnels and fix the leak caused by the shark so the trapped group can finally evacuate safely. Phillip of course gets to bring his grenades this time because this is a giant shark so fuck the whole structural integrity stuff. Calvin goes to the control room and Kay joins him so they can see in all angles the operation at work. Back with Phillip and Jack, Phillip wants his partner to have the camera so they can capture this kill and have retirement annuity, instead of you know…be there to help Phillip if he is in a real pinch that grenades won’t solve.

Phillip and Jack go into the tunnel and use small bottles to create so chum so they can attract the shark’s nose and make metallic sounds so they can attract the sharks other senses to movement. They don’t have to wait long as the shark comes after them. Phillip then lures the beast into the tank while Jack successfully closes the tank, trapping the two. With the shark locked in, they signal Mike to go and weld in the replacement part to fix the glass tunnel.

Unfortunately for Phillip, the rope he and Jake used to get themselves to the exit snaps so Phillip has to deal with the shark because like it or not, he can’t outswim the damn thing. He puts up a valiant effort, but gets swallowed hole. Seeing this to be the end for him, he tries to get pull the pin off the grenade, but the pressure of the shark’s jaws crushes him so he dies.

Kay goes into the water through a hatch in the control room to be Mike’s eyes in the back of his head as he works on the tunnel in case something happens.

And The 3D Crowd Gets Some Welding In Their Eyes. Dammit, We Weren’t Shaking Hands With Danger And Yet Danger Comes On Us Anyway.

Jack gets up and realizes that Phillip didn’t come through the other exit to the filtration tank. He wants to go in after him, but with the shark down there….all he can do is be heartbroken over his pal’s death.

Calvin now sees an opportunity to kill the shark so he has the filtration tank turned off in hopes of suffocating the beast. But when you are desperate, there is a lot you can do and this shark has the strength to be able to force open the gate and get himself out of the tank and back into the lagoon.

Hold On!!!!

Sharks can’t swim backwards. Well, a small number of sharks can, but not most and certainly not great whites. Their pectoral fins cannot bend so they are stuck in forward motion. That also means that great whites can’t stop swimming and stand there, which somehow this film broke a long time ago when it had the shark be in that pump. In fact, a film called Deep Blue Sea made the fact that the mako sharks swimming backwards might have made them smarter (because sharks are dumb) and even that his physically impossible because brains doesn’t equal the fact that their fins can’t bend. Now if the tank was big enough that the shark could turn around and get himself out of it, I would be okay. But this film doesn’t understand this huge physical impossibility.

Calvin wants Kay and Mike to be pulled up, but they can’t get pulled up for some reason. Well, Mike and Kay find out that the shark is out and seemed to be screwed, but the dolphins Cindy and Sandy come in.

One of the dolphins fights the shark while the other leads Mike and Kay to the hatch in the control room so they can be safe. It seems like one of the dolphins gets eaten so whichever dolphin of the two seems to be dead. Mike wonders how the shark got loose as they enter the control room. They were able to get the glass tunnels fixed before the shark stopped them so they finally get to evacuate the group that was trapped in the one section.

So it all seems good, right? Well, the shark is still alive and it has one last plan of attack. You see, there is a glass between the control room and the lagoon and the great white decides it is going to go full force against it as everything goes into slow motion for the big 3D spectacle.

The shark breaks into the control room and eats up the one black guy that has been there and is only known for being Calvin’s nephew.

Calvin is able to save the other woman in the control room besides Kay as Mike & Kay try to run for it as well. Mike sees the grenade that is still with its pin from the never swallowed body of Phillip (even though the feeding of that nephew should have pushed his body into his stomach) and while Kay distracts the beast, Mike is able to pull the pin with a bent bar.

You can guess what happens next.

It Explodes With Organs And Body Parts, Including Its Jaws, Flying At You If You Saw This In 3D.

Mike and Kay get to the surface and are happy about the death of the beast and they even get joined in their celebration by one of the Dolphins.

Hey, It’s Cindy So That Means Sandy Must Have Been The One The Shark Ate.

Ah Bullshit…..Sandy Is Also Alive Despite Us Seeing The Shark Get That Dolphin. Sandy Is The Mario Van Peebles Of This Film.

So yeah with both dolphins alive and both of our main couple alive, we end our film on a still shot of everyone celebrating.

In Several Decades, We Will Be Begging You To Come To Sea World.

When the film was released into theaters, it got #1 in the box office, but it got lower returns than Jaws 2. With that and the critics hating it, the people decided that Jaws: The Revenge would ignore this film from continuity (and we all see how that went). Back to the critics hating it, the film got nominated for a number of Razzies, although it didn’t win a single one.

Now as far as those who were in the film. Director Joe Alves went back to art directing and never directed another film again. Bess Armstrong (who played Kay Morgan) went on to be in Nothing in Common and starred in the ABC drama My So Called Life. Louis Gossett Jr. (who played Calvin Bouchard) went on to be in the film Enemy Mine (which he was also in with Dennis Quaid) and Iron Eagle, and was also the voice of Vortigaunt in Half Life 2. John Putch (who played Sean Brody) went on to become a director and has directed episodes for TV series like Cougar Town, Scrubs, and Ground For Life.

The biggest were Dennis Quaid (who played Mike Brody), as he has a great career in film acting as in the same year as Jaws 3, he was in a great role in The Right Stuff and films like Frequency,  The Rookie, Traffic, Wyatt Earp, and so many other films; and Lea Thompson, who found success as Marty McFly’s mother in the Back To The Future series and as Caroline in Caroline In The City.

Sadly some people have also passed away since this film. Simon McCorkindale (who played Phillip Fitzroyce) married Susan George a year later and was in plenty of British TV series like Falcon Crest and Casualty, before sadly passing away of colorectal cancer in 2010. Kaye Stevens (who played a character named Mrs. Kallender) was an actress who was in plenty of game shows like Match Game, Tattletales, and Hollywood Squares, before passing away in 2011 due to breast cancer and complications from blood clots. Steve Mellor (who played the PA announcer) died in 2008.

My thoughts on this film is that it is okay in my mind, but then again…I saw it when I was young for the first time. I will admit that looking at it now, this film has really aged terribly with bad effects. It is definitely a film of its time and will age worse in the upcoming years. But compared to Jaws: The Revenge, this film is good. But I will say this: if you have not seen this film yet, I wouldn’t suggest you watch it now because you will see the age of the film. However, if you have seen it as a youngling, you will learn it is not as good as you remember it, but I still find some type of charm in its hokey ways. I will also say that most of the underwater camerawork is good too.

So with that done, I wonder what is next.

What’s next? Well, what’s next is that you get to see a sort of face-off between two horror icons in A Sort-Of Carrie vs. A Definate Jason Voorhees in a film that got butchered by the censors.

Well, I guess curiosity won out so now you get to see…

This Is My Least Favorite Of The Friday The 13th Paramount Films